Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I went to visit my son at the cemetary.

I had some extra time last week, so I stopped by to visit my son's grave. I didn't tell DH that I was going. I did tell him after the fact - we had lunch together...

It was sad to go, but do you know what made me more sad? I saw how many new additions there have been since I was there last. I spent time looking at other babies and some I guessed were not full term. (my assumption based on dates, etc). I spent time looking how people leave things for their children. I don't leave anything for my son and I really should. I had not visited since I was barely pregnant last year (I think).

Monica, if you are reading. I did visit your sons while I was there. I know you visit quite often. They are lucky to have a mommy like you!

I think I was crying more for all the people that have to visit there and it keeps growing more than crying for my own son. I know that sounds bad. I'm sad about my son, but I'm sad ANYONE has to go through a loss. I'm not sure if I am making sense.

I hope everyone has a peaceful Thanksgiving (if you celebrate it)! May you have a safe time with friends and family!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Brooke and Joe need our prayers!


Annaleigh may not make it through the weekend. Please say a prayer for her and her brothers and sisters and Brooke and Joe who love her so, so much.

I was crying this morning reading about Annaleigh's condition. For those of us who have been through a loss, it brings up old feelings of the pain they are going through. Brooke and Joe are so strong and I wish I could give them a hug.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

DH mentions our 'first'

I've mentioned before that my DH doesn't like talking about the baby that we lost. But every once in awhile he will bring him up...

He told me he hates, hates, hates when people ask 'is this your first?' or 'when are you having your 2nd?' He hates these not for the reason I do though...

He told me last night on our way home from a party that he hates when people ask this because he wants to answer in the following...(but doesn't)
1) No, it isn't our first, but our first baby is dead.
2) This baby is our only living baby.
3) This is our SECOND baby.

I hadn't thought of that and it made me sad. I usually don't like people asking this because it is nosey. I hate this because of infertility as well. As someone who went through (will always deal with) infertility, it makes me sad that people can actually 'plan' their lives. That's right, some of us cannot just plan to have a baby and have it happen.

We were looking for a house and this sales guy asks me about 2 months ago 'are you guys just starting your family?'. I answered quickly, 'no we are starting and finishing our family.' It surprised him since I think he thought we were really young and we are not. I guess I am just rude. :)

I think I've said this before on here but my DH mentioned our 'first' another time about 3 months ago. He told me how he was talking to our friend and said 'there is nothing worse than losing a son (child)'. DH told his friend our 'first' son's name. Our friend knew about our loss, but didn't know the baby's name or that it was a boy. We are pretty private in that way. It was bittersweet that my DH talks to his friends about our 'first' son. It made me smile to know that DH thinks about the baby often. I'm sure other DHs or significant others are the same way about the loss of their baby(babies). They may not want to talk about it as much as we do, but they do it on their terms.

We will eventually tell our son about his brother, but not for a very, very long time.

I'm open with some people about our loss, but I haven't talked about it in awhile. I told my neighbor in December and we have become pretty good friends now. She told me that her mom lost twins when she was little, but she didn't know about it until she was 21. She says 'can you believe she waited that long to tell me?'. She knows her mom was about halfway through her pregnancy. I met her mom last weekend and I looked at her and knew her secret. She is a sweet lady, but I know the pain isn't something you can tell just by looking at someone. My neighbor complains that she is an only child all the time. I wonder if my son will complain to me that he is an only child. I wonder if this will make me sad because he isn't the only one.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

IVF Oldest Lady and my thoughts about drs....

I promise I'll get to my DR post when I can find the link to a specific blog. :)

I will say that -that post- will be not DR bashing. (my normal mode). It isn't that I hate drs, but I really think people need to question their drs (around their entire care). Drs are not superhuman, Drs are not always 'right'...
It's not just around IF, incompetent cervix, etc, ppl really need to question their drs.

It uspets me when drs tell women on bedrest they can do more than they 'should'. They don't tell women a lot of times that they don't need a shower every day. Why don't they, because they don't want to inconveinence them. They tell their IC patients to just lay down, but still go out, etc. The women usually does less (like me on self imposed bedrest) but doesn't tell their dr. The dr in turn thinks that the women was 'normal' and the cerclage held or whatever the case.

It upsets me when drs give out clomid without monitoring. Yup, that was me. Although I had no known fertility problems, I was given clomid like candy with no monitoring. It is probably a good thing my DH's sperm was horrible that cycle or I might have had high order multiples (HOM). Which to some is OK, but for me with IC that would have been SOOOOO dangerous. I do ovulate on my own a lot of times and even thought i'm old (AMA), I still have some eggs left. Anyone considering going to an obgyn that just gives them clomid without monitoring of how many follicles they have should really reconsider. I sitll see my obgyn, but he won't handle my fertility care again (not that I plan to use fertility drugs again). This is why IVF and IUI get a bad rap where the general public thinks 6 or 8 babies is what happens. IVF is soooooo controlled. The o.ctomom - well her dr was stupid to put back 6 embryos or whatever he did....My RE would never do that no matter how old you were.

A lot of drs bug me....We were told from my DH's urologist that 'kids are overrated' when we told him we wanted to check for fertility issues - when we were first finding out it wasn't coming easy for us. That guy moved thank goodness. He told us other gems, but I won't put them on here. He was just a douche.

If you are seeing your general practice dr (I'm bad I don't go to mine much as he annoys me), question - question - question them on everything. I'm a drs worst nightmare since I bring a lot of knowledge or anything I read on the internet. I always say I'm a wannabe dr. One of my coworkers and I were talking over lunch about medical stuff and he said. 'ok dr. lastname'. I said 'I'm sorry but I really question these drs'. He confessed he is the same way. I said 'we need more people doing that'.

So now, Michae.l Jackso.n's dr is in trouble for giving him too much anethesia or something? Drs have a lot of control and it is scary. They operate on people when they shouldn't., they give people prescriptions when they shouldn't.....Anna nicole's drs probably prescribed too much.

Drs give out prescription drugs way to easily for my taste. I take 1/4 or less of what they give me. Yeah I was in pain after birth due to a 2nd degree tear but I didn't take the full bottle of ibuprophen 600mg or whatever the high dose was that they gave me...I have bottles of h.ydrocodone or whatever that I never took for IVF or whenever those were prescribed. After I had my cerclage, I think I skipped again the pain meds -h.ydrocodone. I need to throw this stuff out - actually I shouldn't even get the prescription and waste money.

I will say sometimes we have no choice but to trust our drs. That is very true too. Sometimes I don't have all the facts and you can't trust the internet 100%, so sometimes you have to put your faith in your drs. I've had to do that on a few occasions and it worked out. They do have a lot of experience. I see people online get cerclages placed a lot, but sometimes it is in emergency situations and they get drs who are not competent in doing these. They might get a dr who does a cerclage placement once a year. So whichever dr you choose make sure they have 'experience' in dealing with good patients and bad patients. I have mixed feelings about my peri, but honestly I've only seen him deal with patients who don't have issues (me for the most part and the other women he said he saw who didn't have issues).

Ok, enough about drs.


The above article talks about a woman that was 66 who underwent IVF and had twins only to die at age 69. (with no one to take care of her twins). This article puts more myths out there about IVF, I'm sure, to the general public. A lot of people think there should be rules out there, but where do you draw the line? At what age is TOO old??? So she left twin toddlers....yes it is sad, but anyone can die right after going through IVF (they could be 30 years old -but hopefully they have a partner who can take care of the kiddos). I think if we had those strict rules in place (they kinda do, but this lady lied to her drs), that might discourage others from being surrogates to their daughters or sons. I have seen a few people on tv who have decided to be a surrogate for THEIR own grandchild and I think that is awesome especially for those of us with issues like IC (or with other issues such as no uterus, etc). If they said women over 55 couldn't do it, how would they get around this to be a surrogate. I don't know maybe they make an exception for that now. I just think that is a gray area with so many ethical implications. How old is too old to have a baby - with or without IVF/IUI?

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Brooke had her babies!

I'm a week late in posting this. Ugh! I tried last week at work and blogspot was having technical difficulties.

She had her triplets and they are doing incredibly well! Keep the prayers coming! They are strong babies like Brooke and Joe!!


I hope everyone had a Happy 4th of July! We had a neighborhood parade (with just the neighbors walking through the park). It was fun! We also ventured out to see the fireworks which is a huge feat because B.aby M likes to go to sleep before 9pm. He did cry, but did also look at the fireworks. We go to a place that isn't the main venue for my city. The view is great and the parking is easy!

Enjoy your weekend everyone!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Happy June!

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in awhile...I promise more posts. Things are hectic. We have been house hunting and that is so exhausting. We probably won't move - we love our backyard and our neighbors, but you never know. We have been looking casually for more than a year, but have been more serious about it lately. We spend a lot of our weekends going to look at houses. I'm tired!

Congrats to Schmoodle who had her baby! Toodle is here safely! Her blog is linked on the left - Busted Baby Maker. I'm so glad Toodle made it here safely and everything is well! Schmoodle lost her precious Doodles last year due to placental abruption. Welcome to the world precious Toodle!

Prayers for Million$$Baby - her blog is here:

Last week her water broke on one of her triplets. (the boy) She is still doing great and is past 25wks. Babies stay in! She needs our prayers for continued baking of her triplets.

Also, on a non-IF note, yea US soccer for beating Spain yesterday! I loved how espn put 'US shocks the world'! I love when we do that. I'm not always watching soccer, but I do like to watch the world cup. I like to watch soccer. I also like to watch golf too. My favorite sport to watch is basketball though. Spain was the number 1 team who hadn't had a loss since 2006, I believe. Go USA! It means we will be at the finals on Sunday playing against Brasil of course. It isn't the world cup, but it is pretty cool that they are going to the finals for the conf.ederation cup. I love one of my coworkers who lives in France - he says 'do americans watch football?'. I think Europ.eans think we don't watch at all. A lot of my coworkers (that live in the US) watch soccer/football.

Next post: After much doctor bashing, I will talk about a doctor who *gets* infertility.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Date day...

Dre, I'm sorry you are on partial bedrest. I'm sure that must be hard with a little one -almost 3. How far along are you now? Good luck - you can do it! Keep your eye on the prize!

I hope everyone has a great Memorial Day weekend! I'm starting kinda early and just flaking at work today. No one will be working at my job anyway...

DH and I are going to clean our house and go to a movie (a date). :)

Work is such a pain lately, but hopefully I'm viewed as 'valued'. It's nice to get a day off -well plus Monday.

Friday, May 15, 2009

A year ago...

A year ago yesterday, I got a postive on an ovulation predicator kit, but was assuming I was pregnant because I knew I wasn't ovulating. I found out the following day with a postive pregnancy test and the day after that with a positive beta. This was the month after an early miscarriage from FET#1 and right before starting birth control pills for IVF#2.

The very weird thing is that my mom called me yesterday to tell me that it was my child's saint day (by his name). My aunt had gone to church and heard this and called my mom. So without knowing any of this, I picked a name for my child that has a saint day on the day I found out I was pregnant. I'm not a very religious person, but I think that is very strange!

This year has been very hard (even on my marriage), but I'm very thankful for my blessing. My DH had to do SO MUCH when I was pregnant and on bedrest and I think he still feels like he does a lot because I don't have a lot of time. If I stayed home, I'm sure I could do more, but I do work full time. I like working though - although I miss my child. It's so hard to leave him in daycare, but I trust the people. I look at pictures of my child throughout the day - to get me through the day. I think my DH doesn't want another child because it has been so tough. We both agree we wouldn't do IVF again (we didn't do it for our child). I hated myself on IVF meds, but that is a different topic.

A friend of mine says if she ever gets a tattoo, it would say 'be grateful'(or be thankful - i forget). Sometimes I think of that and even before I had a child, I was thankful for having a good husband. When I see people who are less fortunate than me, I have to think that things are fairly good. Life is hard.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

March for Babies

Today I did the march for babies in my city for the march of dimes. This is the first time I have done this event and it made me sad to see the many people wearing signs of lossed little ones. It made me think of my little boy, T. My company is a sponsor of the event. I did see more babies who made it though - even a 4 yo with a shirt that said 25weeker - 1lb something. Wow. I saw a couple who one or both work at my company that had a sign of a little one that survived a few days or weeks. I saw the heartbreak in their eyes as they didn't seem to have another child.

I think I will do this walk next year too. It was great - I was able to walk really fast and run a little - although you aren't supposed to run at all in it due to the number of strollers, etc. I only did it when there was open spaces. I'm still trying to lose baby weight. I met a girl who had a baby six wks early and her baby although only 4wks younger than my baby - is 6lbs lighter - she is so tiny.

There has been more heartbreak on the forums. Two girls in the last month have lost twins. One of the girls - it was her 2nd -2nd tri loss. My heart goes out to them and their families. I hope they can find hope to continue on. One had done many IVFs to get to that point. If I mentioned this before, I apologize. I hate that anyone has to lose a baby.

Happy Mother's Day to the moms (earth children and angel children) and moms-to-be! I promise to post more. Yeah, I know I have said that before. :) I hope those struggling with infertility and loss are able to get through mother's days - I know a lot of girls on the IC forum have talked about how hard that day is - and some are even pregnant. Being pregnant doesn't help the pain of the loss little ones...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Back to work and other thoughts...

We had a great easter. It was nice that my family decided to keep their gathering mainly family only - instead of all of my mom's friends who I don't like. :)
It was so nice to spend time with everyone. No drama with BIL because he didn't meet my FIL's lady friend. FIL did talk about her and I thought BIL was going to blow a gasket, but he was fine. He was happy we cooked for him -his favorite, beef fajitas.

Oh, and I posted awhile back on the n.est boards how my sister had not come to visit me since I had the baby. She did send flowers to the hospital, but hadn't seen the baby in person. Well, she made a huge effort - for her- driving to my city on Saturday. She never drives alone without her entourage. She even knitted booties for our baby the day she came- very quickly (faster than I can crochet). We also got to spend time with her on Easter as she changed her plans to spend more time with all the family. It was so nice. When I posted this at 2months, that she had not visited someone on the msg boards stated that maybe she was dealing w/infertility (as that would be the only acceptable excuse for not seeing her nephew -as the poster put it). Well, I know she wants children badly, but I asked her and she said she isn't trying until next year or the following year (she is 34 now). She will go directly to IVF even without problems since she is rich and can - doesn't need insurance and because she and her DH travel all the time-not together but for their work. They can't really TIME pregnancy. I think she does have some reproductive issues though.

I'm back to work as of yesterday and it is hard getting back into the swing of things.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Happy Easter!

Thanks for the comments - glad to be back ladies! I will be posting more. I have a lot to talk about.

I hope everyone has a Happy Easter. What are the plans? My brother in law in town this weekend. He is very odd and he is going to be 40 this year and not married. He resents people who are married. Nothing wrong with not being married and 40, but he really is sad about it. I feel bad for him and wish he would meet someone. I think he has really high expectations for a girl and that is a little unrealistic. He even resents his dad who is dating again after his mom passed away 2 yrs ago. I think it is great his dad is out there dating as he is very lonely. We can't spent 100% of our weekends with my fatherinlaw. It's almost like his son is jealous that his dad can go out on dates, but he can't find a date. It will be interesting if his dad introduces him to his new lady friend this weekend. I see a possible blow-out occuring. It is not uncommon for them to fight. My BIL will probably not be too happy with her (she is very nice I met her 2wks ago). My brother in law is not very generous - he expects his dad or us to pay for him ALL THE TIME. He got our son a $3-5 toy when he was born that he can't even play with for months (still too young now). My sisters did SO much for me and the baby and bought us so much -even gave us a ton of handmedowns, but he couldn't spend even $10 for us. Ok, I'll try to be nice now. Please tell me I'm being shallow and selfish.
Oh, and another thing... He HATES eating at home, so he expects us to take him OUT to a restaurant and PAY for him. Oh, he makes really good money, but we think he has money problems. I invited FIL and BIL over to our house for a cookout this weekend. It's really hard to go out to eat with the little one and especially since he goes to bed early. I bet BIL is unhappy that we are staying 'in'. His dad is retired and really can't pay for him at all. They got in a fight about this last time as his dad asked him to pay. Ok, enough venting about him...honestly I love my family and I'm happy to see my BIL. I just hope he doesn't cause drama with the new girlfriend. I wish he would meet someone as I think that would improve his mood - he won't do the online thing though.

We are also going out of town to visit some of my family. It will be the first time many meet our little one. We have some cousins from new jersey who we haven't seen in about a year or more. It will be great to catch up.

I have to admit that I'm not a big 'Easter' fan. It's my least favorite holiday - not sure why. I am weird about eggs - only liked them cooked a certain way. So growing up, I didn't like hard boiled eggs, deviled eggs, etc. I also don't like peeps and don't care for marshmallow too much. I eat it - if camping or on smores, but don't like it in candies. Easter was always so hot where we live so I always felt really yucky. A few easters ago, it did sleet though.

Monica, you are right. Bluebonnets are horrible this year due to lack of rain. That's why I think this company planted a ton in their parking lot - it's a ton of them and GORGEOUS. Bluebonnets are really scarce this year. It's a great location! Take Autumn there! I said amber before sorry. I think your dog is so adorable. Is she a border collie or brittany spaniel mix?

Ariel, you are right. We shouldn't look at it like that. Every m/c is a tragic event. It's hard to think about what would have been. I see girls on the message boards with children who would have been the same age as my first son and it breaks my heart. I think 'wow, he would be this old'. There is that constant reminder when you see someone who got pregnant around the same time as you.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Long time, no chat...

Hey everyone! I'm glad to be posting again. I missed everyone! I have to say it is so hard for me to find time to post or even check in on other people's blogs. My son is a handful. He likes to be in my arms. I will find time - it is getting better.

It's been 1 year that I had my miscarriage after my frozen transfer. Well, a year ago today I got my beta for FET #1. Shortly after that, I had a miscarriage.

I completely forgot about all of this until I went to an acupuncture appt today. She reminded me that it was exactly one year ago that I went in for non-doubling betas. I decided to go to acupuncture today for relaxation and for possible help in my supply of breastmilk. I'm doing daycare trial so I had a few hours without my son. I go to a place that specializes in reproductive health. The acupuncturist did points to help with breastfeeding - we will see if that helps. I really missed going to acupuncture. It is very relaxing. Of course, I had to rush to a dentist appt right afterwards - so my tranquil demeanor wore off.

The acupuncturist was telling me about one of the owners who had the same thing - an early miscarriage and she was pregnant the next month. It really made me wonder if acupuncture really had helped me get pregnant - even though I think our problems were more male factor. She said that the owner was thankful for that miscarriage or she wouldn't have her daughter. It's hard to think about but we wouldn't have our son if we had gone full term with our first baby boy. I really miss our first son and our life will never be the same since we went through that. But we are thankful everyday for the joy our son brings us...

A girl on my message board lost her twins at 24w1d this past weekend. I'm not sure if she had IC or placental abruption, but I'm so sad for her loss. My thoughts are with her and her family. She went through many IVFs before she got pregnant with these twins.

For those in A.ustin, we found a great place for bluebonnet pictures. It's at J.ester and 2222 (from 360 turn right onto 2222). It's a parking lot where they have planted bluebonnets and indian paintbrushes. We got some great pictures and it doesn't look like you are on the side of the road or in a parking lot.

I hope everyone is well. I'm praying for all my online friends - for sucessful pregnancies.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Ok, here is an update. I know I said I wouldn't do updates, but I do plan to still 'talk' on this blog about random things. :)

My son weighs 9lbs9oz. He was born at 7lbs, but quickly lost 9.5% of his weight and was diagnosed as 'failure to thrive'. I've been stressed since then and not producing enough milk.

I heart my lactation consultant. I completely advocate getting one. She has come to the house several times since it was hard for me to even get out, but today I went to her office. (I was also paranoid for germs with a young infant - she works out of my pedi's office). Home visits can also get expensive too.

I am starting to produce so much more than before. Yea! I have almost quit breastfeeding so many times. It is stressful and the hardest thing I've ever done - harder than labor even. I've been prescribed Reglan which is for something else but works to increase milk supply - it is working for me she thinks. I'm still not producing everything that he needs and he is growing so fast, but I figure some milk is better than none. The lactation consultant is surprised at how much my son eats and its easy for her to say - 'give him less formula' when he is hungry.

My baby gained 2oz a day in the last 9 days.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

First 3 weeks in review

Someone on the nest said that the first 2 weeks are all about survival. This is true.

It's insane, but I'm not complaining.

This is my update.
Lump under my arm has gone down, but I don't even have time to ice it as lactation consultant told me. I barely have time to go to the bathroom. I'm seeing a lactation consultant. She saw first hand that I have the sleepiest baby on the planet. He cries sometimes, but he doesn't alert us that he is hungry, wet, or has a dirty diaper. So it has been hard to wake him up to feed - he falls asleep while feeding.
I am not producing enough milk -my sister says because I'm stressing about it. Lactation consultant said that doesn't matter. I'm having to supplement.
The first week the consultant came by -one day after my pedi visit where he had gained 3 ounces - well he lost one ounce from that time (one day later). So following her visit I was so stressed out for several days - until she came again. She gave me an SNS to give him formula at the same time as breastfeeding. It seems to work well, but I'm getting tired of using it. She came back on Monday and found he has gained A LOT. He was 7lb 1oz.
I stopped using the SNS to supplement on the breast with formula. I'm still breastfeeding and supplementing with formula in a bottle. The SNS has strings and when he was awake he would pull at them. Everyone keeps saying to stick with it. I'm not sure how long I can go this way. I'm exhausted. The lactation lady says that she thinks once he hits 9 lbs he may get more alert. She told me a story of a lady who had 5 kids and none of them were like her last one - which is similar to mine. He wouldn't feed actively. She wanted to pull her hair out - so it isn't just me and it's not completely normal.
At last week's appt, he was 8lbs 1 oz. The next day - with lactation lady - about the same. I'm concerned he isn't getting enough. He is supposed to gain 1/2 oz to 1 oz a day. I'm now on a prescription to increase my milk supply. It hasn't seemed to work yet though. My mom was here last week which helped a lot. She could feed him the bottle while I pumped. I even tried pumping every 2 hrs to increase flow - for almost 18hrs straight. No dice. My family wasn't very available to help me, which also set me in a bad mood these last few weeks. They finally came through, but that is another story.
We got his SSN at 2 wks and it makes me feel like he is a real person now. I also got his insurance card this week.

This is my last blog entry on the baby. This blog isn't really a baby blog, but it is for incompetent cervix. I hope this blog helped someone have some hope that a cerclage can be successful. They count a cerclage as being successful if you can get to 37 wks with it - I think.

Friday, January 30, 2009

RE comments on IVF and octupulets


Yea - someone needs to slap a dr or have him lose his license if they truly did IVF.

Here is an excerpt since the article isn't there anymore:
Dr Kaylen Silverberg, a fertility specialist at Texas fertility center in Austin, says federal law prohibits the transfer of that many embryos into any patient.

"If this woman, as reported in the news is really young, theoretically under 35, the guidelines clearly show she should have no more than two embryos transferred, and in fact if she is in the most favorable group -- she's got kids already -- supposedly she has six, she should theoretically just have one embryo transferred," said Dr. Silverberg.

The Wyden Law, enacted in 1992, requires that fertility clinics submit all procedures performed on an annual basis to the Food and Drug Administration.

It also requires that no more than five embryos are implanted in any woman.

Dr. Silverberg says most insurance companies refuse to pay fertility doctors who do not follow the Wyden guidelines.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

IC makes the news

well it was on my local news - but story is not local.
Dr. H.aney is talked about on the IC boards quite a bit as he does TACs (transabdominal cerclages).
While I was feeding last night, I saw this story like 3 times - they repeat the news 24/7.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Labor story and picture! Long...

Friday night took a shower hadn’t taken one all day. I was still working on Friday, but DH and I weren’t doing that much work. We decided to go to a few daycares on Friday for the 2nd time. (for reviewing) Maybe the walking around set things into action. I had been having contractions since cerclage removal (2 wks prior). My contractions although very frequent were never regular or painful. I had the winded feeling that made it hard to talk, but my REAL contractions were very painful and more like severe PMS cramping.

I am trying to recall all of this from memory as I didn’t write down exact times.

Matt (not his full name – email me if you want to know) was born on J.anuar.y 17th
He weighed 7 lbs and was 19 in at birth. Ultrasound 4 days earlier was really off - it had him at 7lbs 5oz (well estimate not really from u/s). I was estimating he would be 7.5 lbs or almost 8 lbs by induction date. Dr who delivered says it can be off by quite a bit.

Had some cramping during the night and had some dreams that I was in labor. Woke up at 6am to painful contractions. Woke up DH and he thought it may be a false alarm, until he saw how much pain I was in. I had spotting (bloody show – kinda pinkish) and some diarrhea. We started timing them and they were about 8-10 minutes apart. We called the drs office and the on-call nurse said I probably needed to wait until they were closer (but I explained that I have IC which means labor is faster). When the oncall nurse called back – by then my contractions were 6-9 minutes apart. She told me to go to L&D to get checked out and she would call them that I was on my way.
We get to L&D at about 845am. I was starving, but DH wouldn’t let me eat anything. I get checked out by the nurses and put on the monitoring machine. Contractions are coming regularly, but I guess they can’t tell the intensity. I was in A LOT of pain. They told me that I’m 3.5 centimeters and maybe 90% effaced. For those who don’t know- I’ve been 3 cm for 2 weeks at this point. I’ve been 70-80% for 2 weeks at this point too. The L&D dr comes in and tells me I might not be in full labor yet. I don’t even explain to her about IC, but I’m in so much pain I tell DH there is NO way I will be sent home. They say women just know. We live 5 min from hospital too.
They tell me to walk around and see if anything changes.
As I walk around, I’m having contractions every 2-5 minutes and I’m in severe pain. The nurse comes back and measures me an hr later to find I am only 4-4.5 cm BUT my bag of water is now bulging. She says she will recommend to the dr that I get checked in. I was so happy she said that. I kept thinking they would send me home and they don’t understand that as part of IC that labor goes quicker.
I get checked into L&D. Brand new hospital or at least brand new L&D section. It’s a nice room and I’m glad to be out of triage.

By now it is between 10 and 11am. We call my father in law and my mom and sister. My mom doesn’t answer as she is at a party and doesn’t hear her phone. The on call dr from my practice comes in and checks me and says she is here to break my bag of water and to check on me. I’m surprised I’m at that point and she says it will speed things long. I forget if I got a check before that, but my hospital says they don’t check constantly – I feel that is weird, but oh well. Dr. checks me and I’m 6cm and she breaks my bag of water. I think this was between 11am and 12pm. With the broken bag of water, my pain continues and intensifies. The dr says I will have the baby this afternoon and it should be a quick vaginal birth.

The pain continues and II finally call the nurse to get the epidural for me. I’m having contractions every 2 minutes and although some girls with IC don’t get contractions sometimes, I DO! They did warn me it would take 45 minutes to get the epidural setup and start getting relief. I had an epidural when I had my loss in 2007, so I was familiar w/the process. I get the epidural and it is a pretty quick procedure. I think he had to redo my catheter because he hit a vein. My nurse was awesome through the experience.

A few times the baby’s heartrate dipped and that freaked me out. I end up just staring at the monitor. They tell me it could be because of the epidural or because the baby is moving into the birth canal more. I still find myself insanely looking at the monitor while I go through contractions and just praying. My contractions start coming back and the epidural doesn’t seem to be helping. I had to push for more medicine a few times. I’m still getting pain but at least it isn’t an 8 or 9 out of 10, but maybe a 6 or 7. (level of pain). I have to say that I did a lot of praying while in labor, it seemed to help me get through my contractions. I’m not super religious, but I do believe in the power of prayer.

They come back to check on me maybe at almost 2pm – only because I call the nurse and tell her that I feel a lot of pressure (remember I said earlier they don’t check you every hr, etc). She checked and I’m 9cm(!!!!!!!!) and that surprises her. She calls dr. Dr comes by and says nurse will be there from now until I’m ready to start pushing and that she will come back when I’m crowning. I think it is 15 min later and I get measured again by nurse and she says I’m 10cm (!!!) and calls dr as I’m just about crowning. Everyone gets setup at this point to handle the baby in my room. I’m told by nurse and dr that I’ll probably push for only 30 minutes. This makes me happy and something to look forward to although I’m in so much pain. The rectal pain is the worse as the epidural doesn’t help on that kind of pain. DH keeps tell me that it is just one day to get through and after that the pain is gone.

At 225 or 230pm, I’m told to get ready to start pushing. I think to encourage me everyone says I’m pushing really good. I start sweating a lot and ask DH to wipe the sweat off my face. Oh, when I was crowning dr. said that baby has a lot of dark hair and asks DH if he wants to look. DH says ‘no thanks’. J They ask him if he will cut the cord and although he was reluctant to do that before (he thinks a medical professional should do that sort of thing-), he decides to do it. I’m so glad he did it although he was nervous.

I pushed for 35 minutes when baby comes out. I was never told not to push, just to push when I was having a contraction (leg was up on one side and nurse had other side until they put my legs in the stirrups). Dr. at the ends says I pushed so well that I could have had a 9lb baby. I told her no thanks. She is great and not my regular dr, but I quickly like her and she is chatty. We talk about a lot of things and I’m always so technical to find out why they do what they do and she is very forthcoming with information. I ask her about pitocin as I hear that it makes contractions worse and you need an epidural if you have that (by the way I didn’t have this as I wasn’t induced). She said that isn’t true and a lot of stuff on the internet is false. We were just having a conversation. 35 minutes was exhausting for me, I can’t imagine people who push for 2-3 hrs. I did have a tear – between 1st and 2nd degree. It is pretty painful even 4 days later and I’m taking pain meds. Ouch, ouch ouch. Dermoplast – given to me at the hospital does HELP! I bought some more and use it A LOT. It really hurts to sit down, but I’m able to walk around a lot after birth and I’m betting a c/s would have made me less mobile.

The cord was wrapped around his neck loosely once and he didn’t cry immediately, but did cry once they started washing him off. I got to hold him even before delivering placenta. I don’t remember pushing the placenta or if it just came out. My regular dr. mentioned the next day about trouble with the placenta, but I told him I didn’t think there was a problem. Maybe he was confused w/some other patient. I know they did a lot of stitching for only a 2nd degree tear.

I got to breastfeed him right after birth. He did drink, but at this point I’m only making colostrum. After I breastfed and spent some time with him, they took him to the nursery with DH. They took his first bath. Oh, our video camera’s battery wasn’t charged, but we did take pictures right after birth and DH took some in the nursery. I’m just so happy here is here.

We spent 2 nights in hospital and decided to have the baby with us at all times (except for nightly weighing when they took him to the nursery – I took him one night – pushed him over to the nursery).We had one night when he was crying and we had no idea why – if he had a fever or something. We called the nurse and she was able to calm him down. We are paranoid new parents! Nurses were so helpful with breastfeeding and everything. I’m glad we also had him in the room although the first night I didn’t sleep at all – after being in labor that day and being exhausted. I just kept staring at him to make sure he was breathing and admiring him. The reason I’m glad that we had him was that he spit up brownish looking blood from his mouth and we freaked out and paged the nurse. They told us it is QUITE common as he probably swallowed some amniotic fluid during birth. I’m sure it would have been ok, but I’m glad we were there when he threw up. He did this another time when being circumsized from what we are told.

Scare #1: Baby would not go number 1 since circumcision. They didn’t think his bladder was full – it was though. They had a NICU nurse come check him out. Our pedi told us either to wait it out or to get a catheter – but she recommended the first. We spent more hours in the hospital and I was actually discharged before my son was. I could have still stayed overnight even if I had been discharged. I love my pedi, we finally met her officially a few hrs before they wanted to discharge us. I had gone to a ‘meet and greet’ at her practice, so I had picked her but hadn’t officially met her. We think this scare was due to the circumsicion and DH and I don’t know if we would get that again. Praying again helped here. The nurses were so estatic when he did finally GO to the bathroom.

Scare #2: We were told the next day after leaving the hospital – our first pedi visit - that our baby had lost a lot of weight – 9.5% and they get really concerned at 10%. So we had to come back the next day to get him weighed. Since the last day at the hospital, we had started to supplement with formula (partially because he wouldn’t pee), but we had to up this to make sure he was getting enough. 2nd pedi visit – baby is 4 days old – he had gained 3 ounces and they were happy with that and how many BM and wet diapers he had in 24 hrs. That was great to find out he had gained since Tuesday. They were looking for him gaining 1 ounce at that point and he gained 3. I hate that his diagnosis was ‘failure to thrive’, but that is what the paperwork says.

Scare #3: I have a lump in my breast tissue – but under my arm. I need to go to either the dr or the lactation consultant today to see what is wrong. I hope all is well and it isn’t something serious. My sister told me to massage it out and she thinks it is related to breastfeeding. I also pumped today to see how much I was getting – breast milk might have come in yesterday or Monday. The breast that I have a lump isn’t giving much milk. Massaging and warm showers aren’t helping. I hope I don’t need antiobiotics.

The worry never ends. We are so happy and blessed to have him! I fell in love at first sight. Right after birth, I told DH I would seriously have to FORGET the pain to have another. I would love another one though, but at my age it might be very difficult. We are happy with our one. :)

Monday, January 19, 2009

Baby is here!

Will post the birth story on here maybe tomorrow!

He arrived on Saturday, Jan17 - two days before planned arrival.

We are home today, but exhausted.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Belly picture

*****Warning if you don't like seeing pictures of bumps, please skip this post*********


Kinda blurry picture, but here is a picture of the bump at 37w1d. Honestly, I didn't take many pictures of the belly. I'm not a big fan of taking a lot of pictures.
I also didn't want to post on my online profiles to not offend anyone. I would not have posted on here, but some of my readers requested a belly shot.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

38w4d obgyn and peri appt (induction scheduled)

Today I had both appts on the same day.

Went in for my NST and regular obgyn visit. Blood pressure is low - was kinda high for me last week but still NORMAL levels, but this week it is low again. Even lower than non-pregnant...

Baby only kicked twice on NST - I only felt it once, but obgyn was happy with that. He said I was having a lot of cramping that was showing up on the NST, but no major contractions. Baby is always so sleepy and lazy on the machine - he gets very quiet being on there. This scares me, but he does kick other times. Of course, he was kicking while I was in the waiting room, but once I get on the machine, he doesn't like to kick.

Dr. checked me internally and I'm about the same as last week (3cm and 70-80% effaced). I knew I would be - told DH 'I bet i'm the same-no progress'. I had been getting contractions, but they kinda fizzled out in the past few days- they are not consistent. Dr said he wanted to induce me because of GD - they don't like people to go to their due date. So he made an induction appt for Monday - I'm having this baby at least by Monday unless I go into labor before that time. It made me happy to have a date to look forward to. Although I didn't want to be induced, I'm confident with the Dr's choice.

We went to eat lunch and then home quickly. We then went to the peri's office. Blood sugars were awesome yesterday - like a normal person - but I went for 2 walks yesterday (not that I think that matters). Didn't see peri as my blood sugars were ok. I was FOREVER on the u/s machine as they tried to do my BPP (biophysical profile). I drank some water beforehand and DH says 'why are you so paranoid?' Probably because I knew the baby would be quiet on there and they don't like that. So they have to see the baby take some breaths - check- he did that. Then they have to see some movement. He didn't want to move at all. He was smacking his lips, but they didn't count that. I started getting worried, but they didn't ask me to drink anything, etc. Finally after a long, long u/s - maybe 20 minutes the baby moved his fingers and they saw that. He did kick me once, but they didn't see it on the u/s so that didn't count. I told them I had NST and that the baby kicked twice only and they said 'well that isn't much'. So the u/s techs went to talk to the peri who said I was fine. I think they called my obgyn's office to ask if my NST was responsive -they probably said yes because my obgyn is happy with even little movement (last week he kicked once on the NST too).

It got me worried, but of course I feel the baby move. He does goes through times when he doesn't move and it freaks me out. I have yet to go to L&D about it though. Everytime I think 'if you don't move, i'm going to L&D', he moves. Some days he is sleepier than others. Of course, once I left the peri's office, he was kicking up a storm. I think he likes playing games w/the drs. On the drive home, he kicked the entire time and I told DH that the baby doesn't like to do things 'on demand'.

I'm praying nothing is wrong with him. He has been kicking a lot since arriving home. He does have a pattern. He kicks in the morning and when I eat and at night. I sometimes wake up at 4am and he isn't kicking and I just think 'well he never kicks at this time'. He starts his day kicking when I wake up usually.

Saw this book on GMA


On good morning america this morning, I saw this book. I haven't bought it or read it, so I have no idea if it is good. But I did like the theme of the book - women overcoming tragedies (from getting fired from Seinfeld to having a premature baby).

I don't know if the baby lives, but one of the actresses on M.adMen had a premature baby (picture in the article but not discussed). When she was describing what she went through, I was just crying. She talked about how her body failed her child.

I'm not really a fan of self-help books - this may not be one of those, but this one seemed interesting. Some of the tragedies are BIGGER than others - I'm sure. I have to say I don't read a lot of books, but I bet this one would be a fast read.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Cerclage pictures

Here is a picture of my cerclage:

I'm not sure how it was knotted - it is hard to tell, but I think it makes a loop. (as I tried to do in picture 1)
It does look like a shoe lace. I soaked it in peroxide for about a day.
It looks similar to the one I posted that I saw that someone else had. I'll try to post a link to that again. Some people's is more like a nylon or blue string...

Here is one that is one from someone on the IC board that I frequent (this is not mine):

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

OB and peri appt - 37w3d and 37w4d

I'm still here. OB appt was yesterday and these are my stats:
70-80% effaced - same as last week
2.5 - 3 cm dilated - up from last week
One contraction while on the NST machine, but baby was sleepy - only kicked hard once where it registered real movement, he kicked a few times but in his sleep I think, but they look for something specific on NST. I felt this contraction it was a big one - harder than ones I normally get.

Dr. said baby is so low and how am I walking around - pelvic station is -1 - which is when some people are in labor (not walking around like me). He was on vacation and I didn't want the baby born while he was gone - but he is back now.
He said 50% chance that I would have the baby before next week's appt.

Today, I went to my peri for my BPP (bio physical profile). Baby was moving and breathing and they were happy to see that so it was a short visit. They did not do size. I asked but not sure why they couldn't - they just said at this point they estimate it - maybe the machines can't do it - although I had a size last week(??). U/s tech might have not wanted to do it - who knows. She said the baby is about 6 lbs 13oz - who knows how she estimates that. Blood sugar levels are good, so they didn't need to talk to me about that. I almost went over the limit, but I guess if I am slightly under they always seem to be fine with it. I send them in once a week and they have been happy with my numbers - even though like I said I'm not 100% following the diet and I do get close to going over. Amniotic fluid is good and baby's size is small and I think that's what they also look at when doing the BPPs - and that's the concern with GD.

I think I just lost my mucus plug. I've been up and down the stairs a lot yesterday and today -organizing things. I was sick with diarrhea over the weekend. When I had my loss, I also had diarrhea, so maybe it is a sign of labor.