Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Pre Pregnancy Consult with Peri

Ok, I want to sum up my pre pregnancy consult with my peri today.

I have to say that I visited his office twice and they didn’t think anything was wrong with my cervix (that was at 13 weeks and 14 weeks). Less than a week after my last visit and I went into preterm labor.

I never had met him – as he never came out to greet me but assured me that he looked at my u/s’s at the time of my 2 visits. Sure. I guess then I can’t blame the nurse who told me all was OK.
He agrees I need a cerclage –although he said that most times they won’t disagnose IC until 3 losses (!!!!!). Before I talked to him, I talked to the nurse (same nurse who twice told me I was fine). I told her that I had not heard back from my obgyn regarding the results from placenta analysis and mini autopsy on the baby. She quickly called them to fax that over.
Well, the dr. went over what they said they found - intra-amniotic infection – is that the same as Amnionitis? No chromosomal problem. But he thinks the infection was caused by IC. Thank God he agrees to do the cerclage. He said that usually IC happens later – I lost my baby at 15 weeks 2 days – baby was about 16 weeks in size, BUT he thinks it is related to what I had because of the intra-amniotic infection and the scare I had at 13 weeks where they thought my cervix was opening from the top.

These are the questions that I asked:
What type of cerclage would I get?
Nurse said he does McDonald, He said he does a mix of McDonald and Shirodkar.

Do you do the cerclages?
Yes, he does them. He went on to say he has done 1000 of them and only lost 2 babies. I find that hard to believe but whatever. He said there is only loss in about 1 out of 200. He kinda told me that the 2 that he lost – one was twins born at 24 weeks and the other was a lady in an accident. I thought they would be more related to infection after the cerclage. I really wonder how they come up with these statistics.

When to get it as I had funneling at 13 weeks last time?
He said they can do it between 12 and 13 weeks, after NT scan is done at 11 weeks. He said ‘well we just don’t want to sew it a baby who has issues’.

Antibiotics before/after cerclage?
He said during cerclage and after, but not before.

How will I be treated if I have PTL? They don’t really give progesterone shots weekly. Damn. Really he said they will only give terb at 24 weeks of after.

How often will he see me?
He said once a month after cerclage. So if I also see my obgyn then at least that is every 2 weeks. Somewhat negative. He just says if the stitch isn’t holding, they can’t do much. Well, what about recommending bed rest, you idiot!!

Schedule for our visits?
8 weeks
NT at 11 weeks
Schedule cerclage 12 weeks – 13 weeks
Follow up after cerclage – 2 weeks after
Then seen by him once a month.

Can I chance twins?
Since I did IVF for the first baby – the one I lost, I’ll probably have to do IVF again. We have male factor and plan to do a frozen cycle in the next 2 months. I asked him about twins and he said it is ok for the stitch that he does. He said he has had triplets and quads. He was just ‘well, we can do twins if you want to take the risk that twins bring, but you know transferring 2 can lead to 3 babies, etc’. I asked him if he does a different stitch for twins, he said no. He said twins average 32 weeks from what he has seen at his practice.

Blood disorder testing?
Doesn’t want to do it on me, doesn’t think I need it. He said what happened to me was not inline with blood disorders affecting the baby. I know this is done for repeat pg loss, but I’ve also heard of it causing 2nd tri m/c’s. I also think I am a carrier of the sickle cell anemia trait. I’m not sure though, but my sisters are. I have not been tested.

Bed rest?
Only 2 weeks after cerclage – after that NO BED REST. I’ll do my own modified bedrest, I think.

Other comments made by him:
1/10 losses in 2nd tri are due to IC.
He thinks progesterone only bring people’s chances up from losing a baby from 1 out of 3 to 1 out of 2. He is not a big believer in bed rest or progesterone. Negative on my part.
He was very passive about me having PTL while having the cerclage.
I asked him what happens if I start having contractions with the cerclage. He kinda said ‘well that usually doesn’t happen, but if it does we can’t do much – baby would be born if there is an issue with it’.
I asked him about checking my cervical length and he said they normally don’t do that to compare to previous measurements, they do the u/s and look at the cervix but with the cerclage they just think it should be ok. I asked him about funneling to the stitch and he said that shouldn’t happen. I even asked ‘well what about right before the person is due when the baby is really big’, he said no. Rolling eyes here...
Cerclage comes out at 36 weeks
Steroid shots could start as early as 24 weeks to develop, lungs, brain and intenstine.

I have mixed feelings. I think I want to keep him as if I switch him out I pretty much have to switch out my obgyn. I like my obgyn and I feel confident that this peri can do the job. He acted like none of his patients ever have an issue. Well, in that case I want to be one of his patients. :)

I'll talk to my DH tonight and see what he thinks. He couldn't take off to go today with me.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Always Blessings, Never Losses

I was watching J o h n Edward - C r o s s Country this past weekend. My DH doesn't care for him. I'm not 100% if he can talk to dead people, but I do enjoy his show most of the time. Well he was talking to a lady who lost her son - he was about 4. And she said she was happy to have had him that long - she said it was a blessing, not a loss. J o h n Edward got really emotional - not sure why - maybe he lost a child before. She just said it very simply 'blessings not losses'.
I just thought that is a really good way to look at it. I was so blessed to have my son with me that long - almost 16 weeks.

I think back at 2007 and think it was cursed or something, but at least I was pregnant and had a child growing inside of me for 4 months. That is something and it is something great. I hope to experience that again someday or to at least have a child even if I didn't carry him/her. I never was excited to be a pregnant lady - it isn't something that I had to do. I just want the end goal - a little human- and whether that is through pregnancy, surrogacy, or adoption - I would be happy.

Coming soon - my IVF journey and my loss. I really need to document what happened so I can remember what I was experiencing at the time. I hope to be going through IVF again, so I want to remember what I did and what worked last time.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Waiting for an Ice Day...

Ok, I'm not really waiting. Well I want one, but i'm not sure why as I still have to work on ice days. :) I remember when I didn't have to work on ice days...that is so much more fun. Stay in bed all morning....
Unfortunately, I work from home and my job can be done even with no one in the office. Damn!
We always have at least one ice day in Texas. Last year we had 3 in a row, very abnormal...We even had sleet/ice on Easter. A few years ago, our ice day hit on Valentine's Day. So, we could still get an ice day in February, but normally they occur in January.

I say I work from home, but I'm in the office daily lately for part of the day. :( boo

Well, I wanted to post the other day that since I had the miscarriage I have had anxiety issues. Does anyone else have this? I feel very claustrophobic. I've never been that way in my life. My dad is claustrophobic. I have to be near a door and I'm not sure how I would do on a plane right now. I rode a helicopter on my honeymoon and had no problem. I feel that my m/c has created some sort of imbalance in me that now I have anxiety issues. :(

I'm not sure if it was the m/c or being pg. When I first found I was pg, I had a nightmare of how I was trapped in a basement when a tornado came and threw debris over the top of the basement. We dont' even have a basement. I had 2 kids and I was panicked. I woke up so scared. In December, after my m/c, my sister got a hummer limo to take us out to a concert. I was in the front and starting to feel claustrophobic as it was full of people. I almost had a panic attack. I kept telling myself to breathe. It probably didn't help that our driver almost crashed. I'm glad that I wasn't pg at the time or I might have lost the baby just from that jerking around. Everyone flew forward and I kinda got squished.

We went out to dinner on Saturday with some friends. They said that they have both been doing accupuncture for fertility - they are starting IVF now. They also have male factor. My friend said that when he started out they ended up fixing an issue with his leg that occured during back surgery years ago. My DH and I were very impressed that we thought we may do accupuncture. Not just for fertility, but maybe for other issues. I didn't want to do it for IVF as I had one successful IVF and I wanted to do stuff as I had done last time. But I was thinking about maybe doing accupuncture for anxiety. I wonder if that helps with anxiety. My friend said that you can see the accupunturist to 'keep a pg' too. I wonder if there is anything to this. I know I really can't take herbs, but actually doing the needles might be interesting. Right now, I would do anything to lose my anxiety issues. I have started exercising and I hope this could help this too.

I was crying today and yesterday probably due to the rain and just being depressed. I saw a friend (really acquaintance/former coworker) of mine yesterday who was 2 months ahead of me and I had to tell her my whole story. I didn't want to email her that I lost the baby as she never checked on me via email. I always sent her emails asking about her preganancy and asking her what she was having, etc. Yesterday was a difficult day just talking to her...It's funny how people are, but I go out of my way to check on my pg friends- I send them emails to ask them how they are. I never got one email from some of these 'friends' who were pg at the same time as me. They never asked me how I was doing when I was pg until I sent them an email. I feel like I'm constantly trying to be a friend to people when they don't call or send me emails. One of my coworkers' wife, never congratulated me on being pg - in person or via email, but was quick to send an email saying she was sorry when I had the m/c. Part of me thought that the reason she did that was because she had a m/c sometime back herself. She wanted me to call her, but I never did. Don't get me wrong -we are friends and I think if she had a m/c I feel so bad for her - but can't people send emails for good news AND bad news. Even though I have struggled (and still struggle) with infertility and it makes me slightly jealous to see my friends pregnant - I still am happy for them (just sad for me) and really hope for the best for them. I constantly go out of my way to be friends to them and ask how they are doing. Most of my friends are not good friends.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Signs and Being Crazy!

Do you believe in signs?
I do. I know it sounds weird but I always look out for signs.
For example, when I was doing IVF and before I found out that I was pg I was walking to the mailbox. I always kept telling DH that I think his mom (who passed away in May 2007) visits as a butterfly. Well, I'm walking to the mailbox and see a huge, huge moth - never seen one as big as that one and it was pink. I was thinking it was my mother in law telling me I would be pg with IVF. Turned out I was pg with IVF. We lost the baby at almost 16 weeks, but I was pg at the time.
My mom used to tell me that when you see a huge moth that it means good luck or means you will get money.
One thing I am notorious at looking at is license plates. I try to make up what words they would be. So if I see MTN-583, I would think mountain, etc. Well when I first found out I was pg, I saw a license plate that said BFP at the grocery store. Big fat positive right?
Well, when I was worried about my cervix at 13 weeks after my scare, I went out of town a few days for Thanksgiving - I was given the clear that everything was OK at my 14 week appt. My father in law was at the hospital around that time to have surgery for his prostate. He left his car at our house. Before I left for Thanksgiving, his car was still at our house and his license plate has CVX in it. I kept thinking that I would want his car gone from our house before I came back or I might have cervical problems -CVX - cervix right. His car was still there and even after we lost the baby. I kept thinking it was bad luck. I think I am crazy. :)
Today, I was in a conf room at work sitting after a meeting and no one kicked me out so I sat there and did work. It was a pretty big conf room. Well, right before I was going to leave, a lady came in and said she was going to setup for a baby shower. I said it was ok as I wasn't supposed to be there anyway. She just smiled and continued to setup and it was for a girl - everything pink. :) I think this is a sign that I will have a girl someday.
I hope I see a BFP again. :) I'm grasping at straws, but I'm still hopeful. I think signs are everywhere.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

AF is here!

AF in full force is here today - 6 weeks 5 days since my loss. This is good news so we can try at least this month. I'm not putting much faith in this month. There is no reason to think we will get pg this month. IVF is the only thing that worked for us so far. DH's sperm has improved (we think) and we will actively try, but I'm not putting much hope in a pregnancy occuring this month. I want to give my body some time to heal.
You know what "they" say. You can get pg easily after a m/c. Yeah. "They" can be so stupid and mean sometimes and "they" don't know it took us extra help to get pg the first time. I almost want to try this month so when people say 'see you got pg right after a m/c, I can say - well it was IVF, not trying on our own'. I hope I am proven wrong though and do get pg this month. HA!!!
Back to AF:The good thing is that I don't have any cramps at all, but I don't get too many cramps with AF usually. I have heard that the 2nd month is worse as far as cramping after a m/c. My next AF should start on Valentine's Day. Great...
I talked to a friend/coworker, we aren't that close, but do go to lunch every once in awhile. She is 37 and just came to tell me that she is going to get married - not engaged yet :) - and she wants to start trying immediately. She thinks she may not ovulate and may be premenopausal. I hope she isn't. It is just funny that she all of a sudden wants to get pg! I think I insprired the older girls at work to get pregnant. :)
I had a dream last night that one of my sisters (younger than me) told me she just had a m/c. I found that weird. I know she wants to be pg. Her and her DH were so happy when they found out that I was pg - they wanted to try immediately. So after my weird dream, I go to work and someone asks IMs me if my sister is pregnant. I said 'not that I know of'. That makes for a weird day.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Charting and Next Steps

Ok, so I've never done it, but I want to try to chart my next month. I think AF is coming soon. I had some spotting yesterday, but so far nothing else.
I've never taken my temps and charted, but I want to try it. I did join Fertility Friend in December and will try to chart - depending what I can do on there for free. I really don't want to pay, but I don't know what you can do for free on there.

Will charting help? Probably not. Our problem is male factor. We had one IVF that was successful, so more than likely we will need to do IVF again to succeed. I want to try charting to learn about my body more.

Our next steps: I go to my peri (whose office messed up last time - I will post my whole story very soon regarding the loss and my doctors) for a pre-pregnancy consulting session. I go in on Jan 30th and I'm writing down what I will ask him regarding his care with me next time I get pg - getting a cerclage, weekly visits, possible medications for preterm labor.
We are going to try one month on our own and then do a frozen cycle (FET) - we have two snowbabies. I'm debating doing another fresh cycle or a frozen one, but I may do a FET first. We do have leftover medications from my first IVF. I feel really bad because I was going to give them to a friend, but then found out that we lost our baby and might need them so I kept them. She totally understood. She is very sweet and going through her first IVF in another month.

I'm really not sure we should try on our own, but oh well. You know when you go through a miscarriage everyone tells you 'oh it will be SO easy to get pg the next time'. A very close friend of mine told me that several times and she has no idea that we did IVF. :) I just smile. I really doubt we could get pg on our own. That gem of advice is very similar to being told 'just relax' or 'take a vacation' or 'just adopt and you will get pg'. Gee thanks, people, but some of us need medical intervention. Although I am sure some people do get pg right after a m/c and some do get pg right after adopting, I think most people need help if they have been trying for awhile. I read an article where it says those who get pg after adopting is about 10% or something like that and those 10% who kept trying after giving up on having a baby would have gotten pg adopting or not.

Thank you for those visiting my blog. I hope you find some useful info on here.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Fried Green Tomatoes

I was watching 'Fried Green Tomatoes' yesterday. I always watch it if it is on tv and now I want to buy it.
I may be emotional since AF is coming soon, but there are many parts that I like about it and I was crying.

I see movies in a different way now - anytime m/c or a loss of a child occurs, I am extremely sad. My innocence is lost because of my son's death. I was watching a movie with Ashley Judd in it the other day where she had a m/c after an accident after really trying to get pregnant- can't remember the name of the movie. Anyway, Fried Green Tomatoes has quite a bit of loss including two grown sons.

Two quotes I really like from this movie:
1) "A broken heart keeps beating" - very true. My heart was broken when we lost our son, but I have to go on and life continues. My heart is very heavy.
Found it online: "A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same. "

2) "There is a separate God for children" - ok, I probably botched both of these quotes, but I am pretty close. Mrs. Threadgoode is telling a story of when she had a baby (she sounds like she was older when she had him too). She says the drs. told her that her son wouldn't make it and she should put him in a home because he needed care and was special. She said she just smiled at the drs. and went along her way. She said her friend Ruth told her this this --- Ok, found the actual quote online - "My daddy always used to say there was a separate god for children." This is really nice to think of for those of us who have been through a loss of a child. God is watching over our children and they are so innocent when they pass. Any m/c is a loss of a child - you lose your future and the dreams you had for your child no matter when the loss occurs. Mrs. Threadgoode goes on to say that her son lived until 30 and died while living with her.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

What is irritating me this week...

I am irritated that I haven't had AF - first one since m/c. I am now 6 weeks and 2 days after my m/c. I didn't have a D&C. That is probably a good thing due to my possible incompetent cervix.
When will she show her face?

I did start running yesterday - started out slowly. Yea! I haven't run in 5 months or more. It felt good to get frustration out. I thought it would bring AF since running seems to relax me. Nope. I think it will show up soon though.

I went to a family party last weekend and I thought I would be a mess with family asking questions. I was pretty cool about everything. Even this one girl I can't stand- my cousin's wife - asking me when I was going to have a baby. I just told her we were trying - she has no idea of the miscarriage. She told me to rub her daughter's belly for good luck - whatever. Anyway, she is about 5 years older than me, maybe 38-40, and she is a grandma already - twice over. Her daughter is about 18 or 19 with a 2nd kid on the way - not married and probably different fathers. I had no idea she even had one. Anyway, I told her 'Oh I bet you can't wait for your grandson'. She just gave me the go to hell look. :)

I am scared that some of my friends will be a grandmother before I am a mother. Some of my friends have kids that are older..Most of my friends have 3 kids and are younger than me. I just want one, please.

My new year's resolution is not let people bug me so much. I do have to say that having a m/c after going through infertility has one positive - less people ask about when we are having a baby. The question that bugs us infertiles. Right before my m/c, I was really irritated with some people at work and one of my mom's friends. I don't think it caused my m/c, but I think the stress didn't HELP. I really don't want people to get under my skin. I can't control situations and can't help that bad people exist. I will be less irritated by stupid people and less consumed with work. I guess that is another resolution. :)

Friday, January 11, 2008

What is/was 'On Hold'

I posted today on my nest boards how I have put things on hold such as travel while trying to have a baby.
I found other women have put other things on hold. Here are some of those items:

Travel -skiing, camping, or locations
*Buying Clothes and cars
*Job related - going back to work, changing jobs, going for a new, exciting opportunity
*Housing related - moving, buying a house, moving to hometown, home improvements
*Exercise -Running, yoga, spinning

One thing I found so interesting is not only are we putting our life on hold because of the chance we are having a baby or will be pg and can't do certain things - BUT it also seems we can't do some of these things because of the anticipation of spending a lot of money on IF (infertility) treatments. Infertilty sucks.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Happy New Year!

Today was back to work. Ugh! I worked half a day in the office and then came home to work. It is kinda nice to get back to work, although I was doing busy work. It will be nice to focus on something besides the loss of our son.

I'm happy to start 2008 as we had a bad 2007. My mother in law passed away, my grandfather passed away, we found out my father in law has cancer and our baby passed away - all in 2007.

We hope 2008 is full of happiness!

It is the year of the Rat, which I thought might help me get pregnant as I am a Rat (born in 72).
I spent yesterday - New Years Day- just relaxing and reading my chinese horoscope. Lots of good things on my horoscope, so praying for a great year! I also spent a big chunk of the day watching Twilight Zone which I love.

As far as trying to get pregnant, we will try one month on our own and then do IVF - FET the following month. We have 2 frozen blasts, so we hope to transfer one or both in February sometime. It depends when I get AF. I have an appt. with my peri to ask him about IC (incompetent cervix) and PTL (preterm labor) to see how he would manage me in the future WHEN I get pregnant. He may have some issues with me transfering 2 blasts as I don't want to chance twins, if I do have an incompetent cervix. He may be ok with me transferring both if I get the cerclage (stitch). We shall see - that appt is at the end of January.

We will take things one day at a time. If the FET doesn't work, we will move to doing a fresh cycle of IVF. I am very excited and hopeful to start trying very soon. Although another baby won't replace our son, we don't have much time to work with so we have to continue our quest to become parents. I am 35 and my husband is 34 and he will be 35 this year.