Monday, April 28, 2008

Happy Monday!

Friday I was driving home and saw a sign outside a church. It said 'A trial may be God's good gift in disguise.' Or something along those lines...
I used to believe in that. I used to tell myself that if I got a ticket, maybe I would have got into an accident later on and maybe it was truly a blessing. It is hard to think that about losing a baby.

I do believe in God and I know He has a plan for me. But it is hard to imagine that I am being put through a trial. I guess I can't imagine my God doing that or punishing people. I guess it does test your faith. If I didn't have my faith, I think things would be HARDER right now. (as if things aren't bad already). I really have good days and bad days. Time does help, but I'm not sure I believe anymore that 'time heals all wounds'. Some wounds are too deep. They may heal, but the scar is there forever and you have a daily reminder of what happened.

My sister has decided to schedule her son's baptism around the time that I would have been due. That seems insensitive to me, but my sister probably wasn't thinking. She is very self centered. She went through IF, but she isn't sensitive to IF issues. She has 3 kids now. It is amazing to me that she is SO insensitive towards IF. It took her several years to get pg with her first - 5 or 6 yrs.

IF is so hard that most of my friends are DONE having kids - most have 2 or 3. 3!!!!

Things are good - I'm working too much - worked several hours yesterday. My DH and I can't agree on a date for vacation. When I can go, he has to work and vice versa. Ugh!!!! So we may have to settle for a mini vacation around our area. I would go in June, but I think I'll be starting stims by then.

We had a great weekend at the festival - such a nice break. We went w/my mom and we walked around and had some adult beverages. It was a very relaxing weekend, but I'm so tired. My arms hurt from holding my nephew. If it wasn't for me, he would be in the stroller all day on SAT. My sister was busy working and her DH can't pick up the baby too much. Poor baby! He smiles when he sees me because he knows that I'll hold him and get him out of his stroller. He is such a cute baby. I got pg right when he was born, so he is a reminder on how far along I would be. :(

I have a big presentation this week at work. I'm kinda nervous, but hope it comes together.

Friday, April 25, 2008

HCG down - yea I guess!

The nurse called yesterday to tell me that my HCG was down to 2. She said 'great news'. I know this is good - at least the pregnancy wasn't ectopic. But great news is that I'm still pregnant...
I'm doing pretty good this week. Last week was hard because it was like not only did my son die, but all the embryos created on the same day as him didn't make it. That made it harder.
I know I will be a mom someday. I do believe that.
Those who lost our children - just want them back. New pregnancies will never replace what we have lost and our ignorant bliss. It has forever changed us.
I skipped happy hour this week because I know people like to ask me personal questions at happy hour and I didn't want to bite someone's head off if they ask when I was having children. I'm working with a lot of new people -95% guys - and I've already been asked this question. My new strategy is to be blunt w/people, but I know it will come across mean.
I need to book a vacation! I'll try today or tomorrow.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Good weekend

We had a great weekend. We went biking on Saturday. My DH doesn't like going w/me because he is so much faster than me. Also, I was still sick... He also doesn't like going w/me because he has to prepare my bike for me. He is the bike expert. Anyway, I told him that I wanted to go badly. It is something I can't do while in 2 weeks, etc. We had not been in so long. We had such a great time. I was going pretty fast considering it was hard for me to breathe. :)

Sunday we went to the dog park with my FIL. It was a lot of fun and we like exposing him to diffferent things. He just got a dog. He loved the dog park and so did his dog. He had no idea that his dog loved swimming. He just adopted him from a shelter.

Next weekend we are going to visit my mom and I'll see my sisters too. We are going to a festival on Saturday - I can't wait. I have so much work and I hope that means my week will just fly. :)

Since I have so much work, it is kinda a blessing. It keeps my mind occupied. I also am spending less time on the boards. I started crocheting. I hadn't done that since I was so much younger. I picked it up again last month as it helps to relax me. I just finished last night knitting blue booties from my nephew as a present (for his baptism). I am also working on a scarf. I also want to spend time writing stories, but I haven't allocated much time for that.

One thing that isn't cool w/a lot of work is that we want to go on vacation before I start my next IVF cycle. But I can't go now as we have some projects launching at the end of this month and in May...So I will go when I am on BCPs for IVF (hopefully). I hope to get the approval today to go on vacation and then I can just book it!!! I have many airmiles that we can hopefully fly somewhere free.

My company had a lot of layoffs last week and they plan to have more. Having a lot of work is good in that aspect too.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Rough Week

Well, the waiting is the worse. Waiting for the start of the m/c...
It came yesterday-5 weeks 1 day.

Monday, I cried most of the day - I worked from home all day - thank goodness. I felt so bad and called my mom and told her. She didn't provide much comfort. Again, she has never been through it.

Monday night, DH and I got in a fight. We were both just mad that it didn't work out.
I know as women we blame ourselves a lot of times, but men do the same thing. I always think that maybe God doesn't want me to have a child or I'm being punished for something that I did. But I know God wouldn't punish me... DH told me the same thing. Going through a miscarriage - you just want to blame someone or something.

What or who is to blame?
I was thinking maybe it was because I went to acupuncture before my first u/s. One thing the nurse kinda freaked out when I told her that I had gone. My beta was high the day before and then didn't doube the day after. I had no idea, but I'm 100% it had nothing to do with that. I just asked my friend who goes to the same place as me and she went several times before her first u/s and she said the RE was happy that she was going - we have the same RE. I wanted to blame that I was sick - maybe that hurt things. Maybe my slight fever killed the babies.
I honestly don't think it was that either. I think it is just one of those things in life.

Tuesday, my acupuncturist told me to come in that they could try to save the baby since I hadn't started bleeding yet. I went, but didn't have much hope.

To top it off, I got a speeding ticket on Wednesday. Ugh! I hadn't gotten one in SOOOOO long. I ever warned DH recently that the police hide in a certain spot near our house. Of course, I didn't take my own advice.

Yesterday, I went in for a beta. Hate doing that especially when you know the news is going to be horrible and you have to wake up at 630am. I get to repeat that again next Thursday. Joy. My beta was down to 17. I figured as much when I started bleeding in the morning.

I have to wait one cycle and when I get my next AF, I can start BCPs again for IVF #2. Looks like I'll be doing a transfer in July - if all goes smoothly. IVF takes SOOOO long. I really wanted a 2008 baby, but now that won't happen. I would have been due the week before Christmas. :(

I think DH and I are going to take a mini vacation. My work is a pain right now and I'm not sure I can go anywhere until June. DH wants to go sooner. I really want a nice relaxing break. I want to enjoy life a tiny bit. I haven't been able to do that for awhile. Last year for example, was the first year that I didn't go swimming in the lake over summer. In Texas, that is just a sad thing to miss. No tubing down the river....I missed out because I didn't want to mess up things while going through IVF and then I got pg at the end of summer.

DH talked about taking a break from IVF, but he doesn't understand how long the process is. I told him we would be transferring in July by my estimates, if we start on the next cycle. He was surprised. Men just don't understand sometimes unless you explain it to them.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Bad news - Beta went down...

It's over. This cycle is a bust.

Beta 1 was 356, Beta 2 only 468, today it was down to 248. I am told to stop my medication and most likely it was not a baby with good chromosomes. I'm so sad. I hope to do another fresh IVF cycle soon.

Thanks everyone for the support. It stinks, but it is life.

I was in bed all day yesterday sneezing a ton. Today, I am feeling better physically at least. :'(

Friday, April 11, 2008

Beta didn't exactly double

I'm trying not to get too nervous about this.

HCG on Wednesday was 356 and today it was 468. My RE's office doesn't do doubling thing. They were looking for a 67% increase-should have been 594. I have to do another beta on Sunday. At that point, they want it to double from today. She didn't sound negative about it though. I'm just in a wait and see limbo.

They didn't check off to check for estradiol on the labslips they gave me from the RE's office yesterday. Ugh! I saw that yesterday, but assumed they knew what they were doing. So they had to call the lab and do the estradiol lab and send that over. So, the nurse called me back and said that she talked to the on call IVF nurse and they both seemed hopeful. IVF on call nurse says she sees this a lot and she thinks I will be ok.

To top it off, I'm sick. I'm hoping this baby hangs on. Prayers needed, ladies! I have a temperature ranging from 99.1 to 99.7 today. I broke down and took some tylenol - just now. I hate taking stuff but I need to bring this temperature down.

I hope this baby hangs in here. I think the accommodations are nice. :)

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

First Beta in...

Beta is 356 - 9dp6dt -although nurse says it is equivalent to me testing last time at 9dp5dt for IVF #1. Wouldn't it be a day beyond?

Last time it was 259 on 9dp5dt and I was pg at the time with a singleton.

Estrogen and progesterone are good numbers, but lower than last time. For FET, you are on PIO longer. (at least that is what the nurse told me before we started). I was off of PIO last time at 4 weeks and on suppositories. I did have super high estradiol last time that stayed high for a long time due to mild OHSS. I'm excited and scared of the possibility of twins. My peri said I could transfer twins during my prepreg. consult with him. It's in God's hands now. I am trying not to worry too much.

Taking things day by step at a time. Next step is 2nd beta on Friday. Last time I did 4 betas as they weaned me off of estradiol and progesterone. I may have about the same before my first u/s.

Spotting is gone today, very slight yesterday. The IVF nurse called with new instructions, but I didn't get to talk to her this afternoon. I did take the call when the other nurse called me around 12pm today. My phone died on the 2nd call. Their message just said to go in for a beta on Friday and continue my PIO and estradiol.

Thanks for everyone's support. Interesting food for thought....A girl on my incompetent cervix board lost her baby the SAME DAY that I did half a country away from me and she found out this week that she is pregnant too. That is so weird. Another girl on that board is doing a FET later this month, but transferring only one as she lost twins in December. She doesn't want to chance twins at all. Well, she said she had a dream that I tested and got a BFP. She had it the night before I actually tested. Very strange...

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

My BIL had a heart attack!

My brother-in-law had a heart attack today. We drove down to see him - a city about 1.5 hrs away. I'm so tired. We just felt it was the right thing to do. When I lost my baby, he came immediately to the hospital to see us. He came when others didn't even come see me.

He is doing ok, but obviously shaken up. His heart doesn't have permanent damage. He did have a major blockage that they put int a stint in his heart via his arteries. It's amazing what they can do these days without opening up the chest.

He understands he needs to get his weight under control and stop smoking and exercise. I think this is an eye-opener for him. He is 41 or 42 only!!! I left work today, I have a lot of work but not too interested in working. They didn't say much when I told them that I was leaving and why.

Turns out, my sister was also in the same hospital. She had a seizure. She was born premature and is mentally disabled. She is in the hospital quite a bit. Usually, I can't go see her when she is in the hospital as she is only there one day or so. I'm glad that I got to see her. She is my inspiration and my hero. She is also 41. It is weird that she and my BIL went to the same hospital. She said she never goes to that hospital. She is in a group home as my parents couldn't manage her anymore as they are getting older. She is so smart and really sharp. She amazes me.

I have good news today, but 2 members of my IMMEDIATE family are in the hospital. Isn't that odd?

I have a slight sore throat and sneezing. I hope I get better soon. I'm praying for a good beta tomorrow.

Cautious BFP!

I had a FET on 3/31 - I am 8dp6dt and decided to test today - one day before my beta. It's positive! I waited to test today because it was 4/8. DH's lucky number is 8. I'm all about numbers - I'm so superstitous.

I did 2 tests. PIAC (p'd in a cup) . Did $ tree first and the line didn't come up immediately - I was scared. Then I saw a faint line and decided to do a digital test - Pregnant came up right away. I was shaking. I tested at 6am and woke DH up to tell him the news. I warned him the night before that I might wake him up as early as 4am. I couldn't go back to sleep after that.

We transferred 2 blasts and one was hatching. We had done ICSI on them which I think helps the thaw process.

As someone who has been through a loss, I am very scared and my DH and I can't get too excited. We have been here before. He told me the other day that he would be excited when the baby arrives. I am posting today unlike last time when I waited for the beta because I want to enjoy every day that I'm pregnant. Anyone who has been through any type of miscarraige knows how I feel. I have a book that I need to read that has a chapter of how to deal with emotions once you get pregnant after a loss.

We have a long road ahead of us. For those who don't know, we lost our son at almost 16 weeks due to a possible incompetent cervix. The drs aren't sure what happened, but I did see my peri in January for a prepregnancy consult (see my blog entry from Jan). I have to have a cerclage at 12 weeks which is a dangerous procedure in itself. Dangerous because the baby could get an infection. The vaginal cerclage is usually only 80-90% effective. Twins can make this condition worse.

Here is praying to God for a good beta tomorrow.

5dp6dt –
Some cramping
Dry Lips
Clear/Tan discharge
Lower temp – could this be implantation dip? I have to admit I wasn't good with charting my temps this month.

6dp6dt – High temp
Some cramping
Some soreness in BBs
Pink spotting
Some stretching in lower body
Dry lips
Soreness in BBs, not really when touching, just pulsating through
Very little spotting, mainly light brown, only when wiping
Stretching in lower body
Dry lips

An overview of what I did differently. *Disclaimer*-I'm not saying that YOU should do any of this, just what worked for me. :)

My first IVF fresh cycle I got a BFP.
What I did the SAME as last time for my frozen cycle:
1) Pineapple - day before transfer, day of transfer, 2 days after transfer
2) Pomegranate juice - drank before transfer and a few days after transfer, but not a lot after transfer
3) Rested day of transfer and day after but walked up stairs on day of transfer. No shower on day of transfer, but did shower on following day.
4) Took it easy for week after transfer. No housework - no long walks.

1) Acupuncture - I think this made the difference. I started 2/14 because I thought my ET would be in early March. I did acup before and after transfer although DH didn't want to take me back at first (see why on my blog -FET rollercoaster).

My RE gave me a success rate of 35% because of my age (transferring 2 blasts). I think acup boosted that percentage. The acupuncturist that I had after transfer was one I didn't have before. He told me to visualize the blood in my uterus and do deep breathing. I did what he said. He said deep breathing is what the buddist monks do. :) He also did needle stimulation on me. At first I didn't know what to think, but maybe it helped. I did have a visible clot in one of my veins that they put the needle in a few days later.

I plan to continue acupuncture once a week in the first trimester because it really calms me down. My friend is doing it now for morning sickness. The place I go to does acupuncture for miscarriage prevention in the first trimester and their focus is reproductive acupuncture.

2) I stayed downstairs on the first day and spent the night on the couch- our master is upstairs. I was supposed to go to work the next day after transfer but I called in sick for both days. I did not shower on day of transfer or day after.

3) No housework, although I helped DH with laundry last night - just putting away some clothes. I was cleaning up on Sunday - bending and picking things up and then I had my spotting so I layed down.

Implantation Spotting?
I'm not sure I believe in this for me. But I did have spotting on Sunday and some yesterday. I did have spotting too for my last IVF which was positive. I think (for me), it is IVF related. I'm not sure it is implantation spotting. Last time DH and I thought it was one of the embryos not implanting. I think spotting during IVF is COMMON.

Thanks for your support everyone! We thank God that he gave us this miracle! Everything is in God's hands. I am going to try not to get worked up about things (spotting, family, life, etc). I bought on Sunday a nature sounds machine. They have one in each acupuncture room and it puts me to sleep. I am going to try to use this everyday for relaxation.

Monday, April 7, 2008

The Joy of Spotting

Well, on Saturday - 5dp6dt , I had some clear/tan discharge - one time thing. I was happy at the time as I thought it might be a good sign - implantation.

On Sunday night, 6dp6dt, I had more spotting that was pink, brown, and the tiniest red (about the size of a nickel or quarter). It was red like when you cut yourself, not the usual red color I get with AF . So nothing was coming out, it is just when I wipe. Sorry for the TMI. I also wasn't cramping at all.

I was getting nervous last night, but thinking if I was having a m/c, there really wasn't anything that I could do about it. I was thinking maybe I did too much during the day, but I am trying to take it easy during the 2wws (and even more so, if I get a BFP).

I think girls who do IVF have more spotting - they don't really know why. Last time I had this and I got a BFP, but I had only brown spotting on the day before beta and a few days after beta. Last time, my DH and I assumed when I had that it was because both embryos didn't implant. I was googling last night anyone who had spotting before betas. Because *normally* people don't get AF while on progesterone. It can happen though.

Today I wore a pad all day so I could track any spotting. It was VERY, VERY light and only when wiping - nothing getting onto the pad. Today was mainly light brown and pink this morning. I drank a TON of water today. I think that helps with spotting too. You would think because I had this before that I would think that was a postive sign - No. Spotting at anytime can make anyone nervous.

I hope spotting is a positive sign in my case, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I have other symptoms, but progesterone could be a factor in most of those.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

I think DH has more shoes than me!

Yesterday, DH bought some golf shoes and I told him that he needs to count all his shoes and then mine and if he has more than me, he needs to get rid of some. We didn't count all of our shoes, but maybe we will soon. He always likes buying shoes. This isn't right - girls should have more shoes than guys. :)

Anyway, we went to breakfast with my father in law. It was nice to see him as last weekend we were so busy cleaning our garage and getting ready for the embryo transfer that we didn't go and see him. We try to see him weekly as he lives in our same city.

Last time for IVF #1, we POAS before our beta. Our beta was scheduled for 9/11 and we POAS on 9/9 - 2 days prior. This time, we think we will POAS before beta, but we aren't sure. I didn't want to do it today because I'm crazy. Today I am 6 day past 6 day transfer and today is April 6th, so I didn't like how many sixes that added up to. :) I'm superstitious, I guess.

I have a few symptoms, but they could be related to the progesterone injections that I'm getting. DH isn't excited if he has to give the shots after we get our positive beta. (thinking positvely here. :) ) Last time on the day of our beta, we were off the PIO shots and on suppositories only. This time the nurse said we would probably have to do PIO shots longers as in a frozen cycle, my body isn't making progesterone at all. DH wasn't happy with that. He is really good at giving the shots. This time they are really hurting me, but I think because the dose is double that of last time. I have bruises on both sides of my butt. Nice...

If this cycle doesn't work, we won't be devastated, we will be really down, but able to move to the next step. We hope that isn't needed, though. :)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

FET Rollercoaster

I had my FET (frozen embryo transfer) yesterday. 2 blasts were thawed and both made it!!!! Yea!!!! I was so happy, I was just so scared the phone would ring with bad news not to come in from my RE's office.

The day started out bumpy because my acupuncture appt was at 10am and when we got close to the place all the traffic lights weren't working. I told DH, 'I bet the power is out at acupuncture'. Sure enough, it was. :( Well, we walk in and it is really dark in there as most of their rooms don't have windows. So they decided to look for candles. I would have cancelled, but they told me previously that the reports show acupuncture before and after ET has a higher success rates. So on top of that, my acupuncturist (he owns the whole practice) tells me and my DH if we have had chicken pox before. He brought his son into the office with chicken pox. We thought that was unprofessional. My DH was pissed as he thinks even though I had chicken pox before that I shouldn't be in that environment. He can't remember if he had chicken pox. My DH decides to wait in the car. I told him to come get me at 1045am as we have to be at the clinic at 11am.

I had acupuncture by candlelight - but shortly after my needles were in - the lights came back on. I was so worried they wouldn't wake me in time, that I decided not to fall asleep. Their office is usually closed on Mondays, but they were having a meeting there with their accountant. Because he was meeting with people, I hoped he didn't forget about me. He did come back in time, thank goodness. Good thing, because DH was working on his computer in the car and not paying attention to time.

We rushed to the office and made it just in time. We got there and there was some waiting before they brought us back. I felt more relaxed than last time. They gave me a valium and I was even more relaxed. One of the embryologists came in to tell me that both blasts survived the thaw and they were doing great. One was even hatching already!!! They gave us a picture like last time, but last time each blast was on one picture. This time, both were on one picture.

The transfer was supposed to be at 12pm, but of course my RE was late. He is always late. I was worried about the blasts surviving that long, but they seemed ok. He finally came in at 1pm and by then I was super relaxed with my valium. I felt last time it hadn't kicked in when I had my transfer and I had some cramping. This time I didn't have any cramping. For those who haven't done this, it is like an IUI, slightly more uncomfortable than a pap smear. The reason they do the valium is to relax the uterus. I think my blast that was hatching has a great chance of implanting. It was hatching even more by 1pm. We could see it on the screen as they sucked up the blasts into the catheder.

The transfer was about 15 minutes and then I rested for 45 minutes. We left a little after 2pm. They wheelchaired me to my car as they don't want us doing stairs or walking too much on the first day.

We were supposed to meet the acupuncturist at 2pm- a new one I hadn't seen before as he was the on call person. We had to delay to meet him until 3pm - as we hadn't eaten lunch yet. I was getting hungry. So we grabbed lunch near the acupuncture place...This new guy was pretty good and he told me to do visualization techniques and deep breathing. I did some last night and will do more later.

After acupuncture, we went home, but by now it is 330pm almost 4pm. I took a nap until about 530pm. DH went to get me dinner.

I ate some pineapple and plan to for the next few days. (as I did last time - started one day before transfer). I'll also drink some pomegranate juice each day (started about 3 days before transfer). I forgot to drink pomegranate yesterday though. Pomegranate helps the lining and pineapple helps implantation. You should only take them a few days though, not your entire cycle.

I really hope acupuncture ups my odds of 35%. I'm praying for at least one blast to stick. I think acupuncture helps a lot.

On the work front, I called in sick for yesterday and told them that I would work from home today. We have some meetings where I need to be in the office, but I'm glad I decided to stay home as I didn't get too much rest yesterday as we got home so late. I also really had to be there to work with some vendors coming in today, but my boss was so great to get someone else to do that. I went for a walk on saturday and decided that I should at least rest both days. They recommend bedrest on the first day - with only getting up for bathroom breaks. On the 2nd day, just to take it easy at home. They recommend not going to work today. I think it is ok if I work from home. Right now, I'm not working, but posting on my blog. I better get to work.