Saturday, May 31, 2008

So far so good...

Well, I went for blood yesterday (4th beta) and of course, I'm always nervous when the drs. office calls.
The nurse called to say my numbers were really great for my gestation. She even said they are high, but I'm not looking too much into that. There is no way they know at this point how far along I am, so I might be further than they think -by a few days -but I doubt it.
In comparison to my numbers with IVF #1. At 4 weeks and 4 weeks 2 days - I was lower than my numbers for IVF #1. At 5 weeks, for this pregnancy I was 1,000 pts higher and at 6 weeks - I am 3 times higher. I hope that means - this is a strong baby. My progesterone hasn't shot up, it has stayed the same. It even went down 2 pts on my 2nd beta, but they were not concerned. They told me progesterone fluctuates and mine was high for my gestation, so they weren't worried. It is up now. Progesterone is a lot lower than IVF #1, but I was on progesterone support. I think I am within the normal range.

I have been feeling nauseous in the mornings a little. I wasn't nauseous with my son, but each pregnancy is different. My mom and my sister only had morning sickness with girls. I haven't thrown up though.

I go in for an u/s next week and I hope the baby is growing and in the right place.

I am less nervous than I was last time, but still nervous on big days. My symptoms had died down, so of course that is always nerve wracking. Boobs less sore - still sore, but not constantly. When I first found I that I was pregnant, I was so tired. I have more energy now, but I'm trying to take it easy. I went grocery shopping with my DH one day and I felt bad, so he is doing the shopping from now on. I'm not walking around too much - even in the first trimester.

I went to see S.ex and the C.ity last night with a girlfriend. I enjoyed it. It will probably be the last movie I see at the theater for awhile. Last time, when I was pregnant, going to the movies kinda bothered me. (especially loud action movies). Last night's movie was fine, but it was such an ordeal to go on openining night (not my idea). I've never seen so many women at the movie theater. I was exhausted after going to dinner and the movie - late night!

Monday, May 26, 2008


My due date from IVF #1 came and went at the end of May, but 6 days before my due date, I got a positive on an OPK (not FMU). I didn’t have any HPTs at home, so decided to try one of these. I actually used a different OPK a few days before this digital OPK and it was negative. I had read online that they aren’t as sensitive as HPTs. I told my DH that I felt pregnant, but of course I used to say that every month when we were really trying. He didn’t believe me. I told him it was weird that a positive came up on the OPK –I really doubted that I was ovulating. I tested the next evening ($ tree was out of tests, so I bought some more expensive ones) – and got a positive – without FMU. The next day, I took another test and it was still positive. I called my RE’s office to ask them what to do. They sent me in for a beta and I think they thought I was not pregnant. Of course, they were surprised when they called me back to tell me my numbers.

My background: TTC since Jan 2006, one successful IVF, one 2nd tri loss of our son, one first tri early loss on a FET. Pregnant on a break cycle the month after an early miscarriage and not trying. My DH and I were BDing, but not really trying. I wasn’t charting, temping, or taking OPKs at all. I even used KY jelly since my CM isn’t great – a no-no for those of us with male factor. We BD every other day for a week – but I had no idea I was fertile that week. My DH has low numbers across the board. I think last year his count went up, but I think the morph and motility were still down. I’m shocked that one got through!

I was not doing acupuncture, but had done it right around my loss – 2 weeks before I got pregnant. I was drinking during 2 ww, drinking coffee, running, and swimming. I drank some pomegranate soda (not 100% juice) around implantation time, but I had no idea – I just constantly buy this because I like it.

1st beta – 149 appx 4 weeks
2nd beta – 398 appx 4 weeks 2 day
3rd beta – 6261 apprx 5 weeks

I go back at 6 weeks for another beta and then we schedule an u/s. I had to cancel my vacation with my DH. He still has to go since it was work travel for him. He will also probably miss the first u/s as it will be when he is out.

Of course, they didn’t know when I ovulated, so they aren't sure how many weeks pregnant I am. I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in miracles. My mom was (and still is) praying for me, plus I had some acquaintances praying for me too. I'm praying the rosary every night that this pregnancy goes smoothly.

I'm about 5 weeks 4 days pg -plus or minus in either direction.

I didn’t want to post this sooner since I wanted to wait for a few good betas this time. It was heartbreaking last time to let you guys know the disappointment when my numbers didn’t double. I hope I can give someone some hope. I NEVER EVER EVER thought I would be one of those who got pregnant on a break cycle. We were waiting for AF to start IVF #2.

I am praying this baby sticks. I will be a high risk pregnancy. I have a long road ahead, but I have a great feeling about this.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

I hope everyone has a great memorial day weekend.

We aren't doing too much - just lying low. We have family in town, so we will spend some time with them. It should be boiling hot where I live. A good time to stay inside in the cool....

What is everyone else doing?

I'm so glad it is the weekend.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Beautiful sunny weekend

I hope all had a great weekend. I dread going back to work. It has been such a beautiful weekend. I didn't go running this weekend, but I forgot to mention that I went swimming last weekend in a natural springs pool in my city. That was so nice. I mentioned before that I really wanted to go swimming this summer as last summer I could not do that as I was trying to get pregnant. I'm prone to infections or bad pap smears especially when swimming in the lake. I wanted things perfect for IVF last year.

I have a busy week this week. I organized a happy hour for my former boss. I really don't want to go, but I can't get out of it since I'm the organizer. Why did I schedule it?

My mom was able to visit and I got to spend some time with her although it was brief. We really made up. We spent Friday night at a family function and Saturday we went shopping.

We got the WII and I bought a game for it yesterday. DH and I were playing. That is what we did on our big weekend. It is so much fun!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


I caught up on some of my shows last night - season finale to brothers & sisters. I love that show. I think I mentioned it on here before, but it really does infertility (and loss) some justice. The main character has been through one m/c, one failed IVF - no embies for transfer, and now she and her DH are thinking about adoption.
Last season they had IUI with donor sperm due to severe male factor. The girl got pregnant with twins. Unfortunately, she lost one of the babies at birth. This caused some issues between her and her DH and it caused them to separate for awhile. This show is so great on many levels. I love that they talk about 911, the war, Iraq, politics, elections, and LIFE.

I was crying through it. AF is surely on her way as I'm so emotional.

I get to see my parents this weekend. I'm excited!!

I'm taking it easy today at work since I worked a long day yesterday. I better get back to it, I haven't done much all day.

I got to go for a long walk on Sunday and ran a little bit. It felt really good. I love walking - it really helps my mind sort out stuff.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

No Internet

I'm sorry to my online friends. I wanted to wish you guys a Happy Mother's Day, but my internet has been down since Saturday. I'm so sorry.

Of course, my main email is still not working. Ugh!

We had cable issues and the cable company came out today to look at the problem. We called them on saturday and they 'reset' something that broke most of our channels and broke our internet on Saturday. Then yesterday they came up to find out they needed to work on our neighboor's side of the yard.

It's hard not being online for a few days. I'm pulling my hair out, but I guess the good thing was that I spent less time on boards. :) I enjoyed life and tried to relax.

I hope everyone had a peaceful day. Hugs to all those who need it.

I'm waiting for AF to start - should be here in the next few days. I can start my next cycle at that point. I'm already feeling cramping so no BREAK CYCLE BFP for me. Also, I was so bitchy at work last week, I just know it is coming. I haven't been to acupuncture in several weeks, so I wonder if AF will be very bad.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Big presentation

I had my big presentation today and it went pretty good. Our Vice President didn't show, that is what was making me nervous.

I'm frustrated with this one guy at work. I think I have bad PMS -as I've been grouchy to coworkers all week. This one guy is a contractor and he is beyond worthless. He comes from a culture that doesn't believe in listening to women. I hate that. He is not a good worker and if he worked for me, I would fire him. He doesn't work for me directly, but I do give him work to do. Of course, he doesn't do it. He doesn't like that I give him stuff to do, since his manager doesn't. He couldn't attend one of my meetings today or Monday and I wrote him a snarky email. He responded back kinda in a mean way. Not smart for a contractor...I'm sure he told his manager that I was mean to him. I don't care. I've told her before I don't care for some of her contractors and they don't do any work.

My mom called today. I missed her call, but called her back. She was very sweet to me and told me there was no need for me to come on Mother's day. I was thinking of going to see her. I hate being angry with her in the slightest. She is going to send me a card - not for mother's day - to tell me how much I mean to her. She said the 'not for mother's day' part. :)

She is going to visit next weekend. I'll be happy to see her. I love my parents - although I don't always agree with their ways or their friends.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Not a great way to start off mother's day

My mom and I got in a fight today. My new years resolution of not letting people get to me - has not gone so well. My mom and I are close - like best friends. Well, we were...

She has some new friends and most are around my age and I can't stand them. I feel like the mom. Her new friends are friends with her because of a certain situation. My mom knows someone very famous and I'm certain that is why they are her friends. I can't go into exact details, but it is SO OBVIOUS these people are friends with her because of that.
Last year, I was so upset because one of her friends' children starting calling my mom grandma. I was very upset and my friends told me that I had a right to be. It's a long story and I'm really making it brief. I was even upset around the time that I lost the baby. I didn't lose the baby because of that - or I would like to think that I didn't.

Well, my mom went on vacation recently and deliberately didn't tell me that one of her friends was going. I had to find out from another source, which really upset me -although I didn't let them think that it bothered me. I would have been ok if she had just told me - although my DH disagrees. The friend she went with isn't that bad. I can stomach her and her kids don't call my mom grandma. I even asked my mom if I could go with her as I can't take off from work, but it was over the weekend. This was a few weeks ago and she told me 'no, it is just me and your aunts'. I was NOT invited. I should have known something was up.

So today, I confronted her since she was calling to tell me about her vacation. I felt bad and later called to apologize. All I told her on the original call was that she needs to be honest and not hide things from me. Am I out of line here? The full story would help probably. I just don't have time or energy to write it. One of her friends not only did the grandma thing, but also tried to get herself invited to a party where this famous person would be - by volunteering to help with catering - for free. They have tried to be friends with me, buy me Christmas presents, etc.
My mom is a grandma -my sis has kids. But they don't treat my sister's kids the way they did these kids...All of this upsets me.

I had some mean words come out on the phone. I even told my mom that I wouldn't tell her as soon as I got pregnant - like she begged me to do last time. My first IVF, I told her at 8 weeks. I know that probably upset her. I really need to say LESS - I can be harsh. My DH tells me all the time, 'don't tell people directly, they will figure it out'. Like in that case, I didn't have to tell my mom that, but she would have figured out that I didn't tell her when I told everyone else. I need to remember my DH's advice. He is so good at dealing with me - it isn't easy.

Anyway, we watched the Orphanage tonight and it was really good, but I dont' recommend it for those of my blog readers who have lost children. I was balling at the end. I knew sort of what would happen but I still wanted to rent it. If you are brave enough to watch it, you might be affected by it. It is a scary movie, but I knew it would be bittersweet. I loved, loved, loved Pan's Labryinth. I can't say what will happen in this film but my DH could see that I related to the main character in the film. Now, he is probably worried that I might be like her. I would like to adopt and the film makes me want to adopt even more.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

IF and politics

Ok, so this is a stretch, but something I read in the paper hit home with me just now.
The article was talking about Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama. It said that they were calling older white women 'destiny voters' as these older white women felt like this was their last chance to see a women elected as president in their lifetime. They said black voters felt this was the first chance at the opportunity to elect a black president.

This makes me think of me and my IF and loss online buddies. I guess I'm self focused. :) Isn't it amazing, how non-related items seem to affect us? We feel like everytime could be our last time to do this or that we may never get pregnant (or never get pg again for those of us who have had a loss). That desperation is very different than the ignorant bliss of people trying for the first time. These destiny voters think it will never happen.

I always said that I looked at miscarriages as all the same. Yes, it is worse the longer you go in the pregnancy, but every m/c is the loss of a dream, the loss of a human. Even if the m/c happens early, that person may have thought that was their 'last chance'. That's how I feel everytime, but I'm 35 with multiple fertility issues.

I just dislike when people say 'it will happen' or 'don't lose hope, you will have a baby'. I mean it does provide some comfort, but I don't like when people who don't have kids tell me this because they have no clue how hard it was to get where I was. I guess even the fertiles who got pg easily can't relate. Even some of my close friends don't know we did IVF or how long we were trying, so they think it was easy for me to get pg the first time. Although, when we did announce our pregnancy, we said we had been trying 2 years. One of my coworkers, actually asked me 'was it an accident'. She is no longer my coworker, but how rude. I probably bitched about that before, but do you honestly say that to someone married for 3 years? I think she thought I was 25. People think I'm younger than I am. I love to tell people my age. Some new guys working with me, said they thought I was around 27/28.

I was sad last night as my friend had her baby and she had a boy. We were due so close together, so that makes it harder. She doesn't understand that and to be honest we aren't that close of friends. She just didn't know what she was having and then she had a boy. I have no idea why when people are having what I was having it just makes it harder. (especially close to my due date). I'm happy for her, but sad for me.

My due date is approaching. It would have been May 20th. It will be a hard day - who am I kidding, it will be a hard month. One of my friends actually acknowledged this by saying 'I know that next month is when your son was due.' That was nice and a lot better than most of my other friends.

Most of my friends didn't know we had a son. We didn't tell everyone that we buried our son - we try to keep that to ourselves. One of my friends isn't even trying -she is 34. Her DH doesn't even want kids to be honest. She does though. When I told her that I was pg in November she just said 'we kinda figured'. That is the main response that I received from people who guessed it since I was normally pretty skinny. Anyway, I went to happy hour with her and her DH a few weeks ago, when I thought I might be pg from my FET. DH went to happy hour for work. I opted not to drink and she was upset as she ordered a bottle of wine and her DH wasn't drinking either. She just looked at me and I thought she thought that I was pg and she just looked upset. Why are people like that?

Ok, thanks for listening -if you made it this far w/my rambling. :)

Friday, May 2, 2008

Yea! Vacation!

Well, my big presentation was not this week, but it is scheduled for next week. I'm dreading it...
I have been working so late at night that I hardly have any internet time on the boards. Boo...

My DH called to ask me yesterday to go with him on a work trip. He went ahead and booked my flight today. I was hoping to do a free flight, but he went ahead and paid for my trip. Not the most ideal as he will be working during the day - but it fit in my schedule - when he thought he needed to be here working and when I could take off. My boss says to go ahead and take it, although my project could be pushed out and there is a chance they may want to cancel it Ugh! I hope not - it seems to always happen to me with work. I hope my IVF cycle doesn't interfere w/my dates. It very well could. We need this vacation.

I'll be in a city near where one of my sisters lives, so I can go visit her during the day. (if she is around). She is constantly traveling, but I hope I get to see her.

I'm so excited! Yea - some time off and something to focus on!!!