Monday, June 30, 2008

I need to stop worrying so much

I seem to be worrying a lot lately. I have some vaginal discharge, but my peri said it was ok. I just worry. It's clear with a cast of yellow.
It's hard for me to believe that everything is going to be OK for this pregnancy.
I worry what if the baby has something wrong with her/him and my peri doesn't want to do the cerclage.
I worry what if they find abnormal cells on my pap smear. I'm very prone to that happening since that is how I got an incompetent cervix in the first place. A long time ago, my obgyn told me that I couldn't feel when I had abnormal cells, but I told him I sometimes could feel something down there. (and then it turned out something was wrong at that time).
I guess it's hard for me to believe since last pregnancy my cervical changes happened so much earlier than most girls have (girls with IC, that is). I have the same drs. Although I have to believe in them, there is doubt since they messed up with me last time. My peri messed up, not my obgyn's office. I do think they are taking my case more seriously this time, but my peri reminded me last time that they usually don't do the stitch until 2 or 3 losses. Why are drs. like that? Why should women have to lose even one baby? I was high risk because of past trauma to my cervix (freezing surgery, LEEP), but yet my drs didn't monitor me last time. I was being monitored for cysts from IVF, not a short cervix.
Praying does help. It helps keep me calm - especially doing it before I go to bed.
I need to take my old advice and stop worrying until the challenge presents itself. (take things one day at a time) Everything is out of my hands and in God's hands. I do have hope that things will work out.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

U/S with Peri

I had my u/s with my high risk peri today as well as a consult with him.
The baby is fine. HR is 171 -Very similar to my last pregnancy. Baby was supposed to be 9 weeks 4 days and measured that exactly today.
I go back in 2 weeks for my NT scan and then a week or so later -I get the cerclage.
I'm praying all is well with the baby and that I don't have to do an amnio or CVS. I'm 35 and will be 36 when the baby is born, so they did do the ultra screen. My peri says he does not do a triple screen. So they pricked my finger today and got 5 big blood drops. Those results along with my NT scan will give an indication of my risk for down syndome or a chromosome abnormality.
I'm concerned about having a pap smear next week, but my peri said it is fine. My obgyn also said that.
My peri sounds very confident in my case, but as stated previously on my blog - he is very sure of himself and confident. This can be good or bad. :) I asked him again about infection after the cerclage and he said it has never happened to any of his patients. I see a lot of people on the IC forum that have this, so it just surprises me. I told him since I had an infection last time, am I at a higher risk for this after the cerclage and he said no. I asked him would I get general anesthesia or an epidural and he said 'general'. A lot of girls on the IC forum, warn about general anesthesia because they say epidural is safer for the baby. My peri said there is no evidence that general anesthesia could hurt the baby. I know many people get this and they are fine, so I have to trust my dr.
They actually did the scan today on my belly. I didn't know they could do it that early (not via vaginal u/s). My peri's office has the best equipment though, so their machines might be more advanced than my obgyn or RE's office.
Thanks for reading and have a great week!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Everyone seems to know...

So last Sunday, my DH was asked by one of his friends if I was pregnant - of course the guy hadn't seen me in weeks. He is my friend's husband and I haven't seen her lately either.
I saw them later that day - after he asked my DH. My DH didn't answer yes or no, just said 'we are still trying'.
I think my friends suspect since I haven't been doing much lately (no running events, etc). This is my friend who wants children but her DH doesn't. She will have to convince him to change his mind, but she may be able to do that. I just feel like even if they know or suspect, they shouldn't ask. It's kinda rude.
Yesterday, I went to a bday party for a child and my BIL asked my DH if I was pregnant. Again, he didn't answer yes or no. My BIL said he noticed a bump on me. I do have some bloating.
We aren't sure when we are going to tell friends or work. I want to tell immediate family on July 4th. I'll have to have my cerclage between 12 and 13 weeks (mid July) and then I'll have to be off for 2 weeks - so I need to tell work soonish - but I think I will wait until my NT scan to tell work.
We don't want to tell a lot of people until we get past a certain point - we will tell close friends and immediate family, but not sure about extended family.

Today, after complaining about no m/s yesterday - I felt sick. I went to eat breakfast/lunch with DH. He got lunch, I got breakfast. It took awhile for our food to get to us and my stomach was hurting from not eating. DH admitted he felt nauseous too before we got out food. I took a few bites and felt very sick. I was very close to vomiting. I had to stop eating for awhile. I'm already very weird about eating eggs, but had no problem with the eggs at this place. I just kept thinking if I threw up - I would definitely hate eggs for A LONG time. I didn't want to throw up. DH told me to go to the car and he would pay. I tried to take a few more bites, but then finally left. I felt sick on the ride home and put the air conditioning on me. I couldn't eat much else the rest of the day. I hope I can get some dinner.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Busy Week

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, this week has been busy with work. I swear I look so tired. Work has been stressing me out and when I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom several times - it is hard to get back to sleep. I had to be at work at 7am yesterday and worked until 7pm the previous night.

All is well. No u/s this week, so there is worry there. But I constantly tell myself that no signs are good signs too. I don't have m/s at all and my nausea is mainly gone. I do have food adversions. I have an u/s early next week with my high risk peri and the following week with my obgyn.

Taking it easy, I only go up the stairs once a day and down once a day. My bedroom is upstairs. I've been doing that since about 5 weeks. It takes some planning to make sure I have everything from upstairs, so I don't have to make multiple trips. I want to ensure my cervix is not funneling like it was last time at 13 weeks. When I had that I had done a lot of walking right around 12/13 weeks, so that is why I can't really walk for long periods of time. It's hard being high risk, but worth it to take it easy. I feel like my arms and legs are already flabby as I haven't run or walked in awhile.

I'm praying my rosary every night, which doesn't take that long and it provides me some peace and time to unwind. I'm doing a 57 day novena. I got the idea for a person on the SAIF (success after infertility) forum.

We have some people to spend time w/this weekend. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Infertility Stamp

I like how they define Infertility. It isn't just that you can't get pregnant, but it also talks about carrying the child to delivery. For those of us 'deadbabymamas' (Busted, I'm going to use this term too), we can relate. Whether you are a deadbabymama because of incompetent cervix, repeat miscarriages, placental abruptions, or some other reason, you have infertility.

I think this stamp is so cool. I only saw this since someone posted it on the TTTC forums.

Friday, June 13, 2008

OBGYN appt today

They decided to skip the u/s. I'm glad as I didn't want to have two in a row. I'm a little different than others - I don't want that many u/s's. The reason is because it could cause cervical irritation - one thing I am trying to avoid with an incompetent cervix.
I asked the nurse yesterday if I could skip the u/s and she said 'absolutely not' and then I go in and they didn't want to do it - uh, thanks for telling me after I got here for that appt - 1 hr before my obgyn consult appt. I just wasted so much time - good thing I called in 'sick' for work. It was nice to get away from the stress of work. I did call in for 2 meetings 8 - 930am, but after that went to my obgyn and slept most of the day.
Anyway, I told my obgyn that I didn't want a pap smear at my next visit, but he said it shouldn't hurt anything with my cervix. I trust him to do it, but last time he was never showing up to my appts.
Apparently here is out for the next 2 weeks or more, so my appt, is not until July. I didn't want to see the nurse practioner as I don't trust her ability to do a pap smear - I passed out one time when she did one on me before. They ALWAYS try to stick me with her and I was firm today, that I would wait for my obgyn to come back from his missionary trip. They were not happy with me, but he said that is fine. I told them there is no way I want to see the nurse practioner as I'm a high risk pregnancy. They will forget that I said this and still try to stick me with her in the future as my obgyn is always late to appts (busy delivering babies, etc). He is very much like my RE - famous for being late.
The u/s tech remembered me and I did tell her that she was right about my cervix being open last time and I just wanted to tell her that. She was happy that I confirmed that she was right - but was sad with my outcome. She said she 2nd guessed herself as she thought she probably worried me and then my peri's office didn't find anything. I told her she was right. She said she saw the results that the peri's office thought everything was ok (twice) and then I had the m/c. She said she got all the updates. This is all good info.
I told her to make sure to be aggressive if she sees that again. I told her that my peri's office (by the way I'm seeing the SAME peri for this pregnancy) didn't see anything - they kinda messed up or my cervix was closed and behaving at the time they saw me last time. (two different appts last time and they saw nothing that the u/s tech saw - even saw them a few hrs after she saw me.). She is very sweet and I'm glad she is still the main u/s tech at my drs. office.
My obgyn was confident that everything will work this time and he told me that my pregnancy was God's work. He is very religious. I told him that I got pregnant 2 weeks after my early m/c - 2 weeks almost to the day that I started bleeding. It is very strange it could happen so fast.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

2nd u/s

The 2nd u/s went very well. The baby is measuring 8 weeks 1 day - I'm 8 weeks 0 days today.
The baby was floating upside - which my RE said was funny.
The baby is already going crazy and doing flips. :)
I feel better about the baby. I know nothing is wrong with him/her.
The baby's heartrate was 169 bpm. My DH couldn't go with me.
I graduated from my RE and I have an appt w/my obgyn tomorrow already. They will do another u/s, although I told them I didn't want another one. It is imperative I see my obgyn as they need to refer me to the peri - I can't see him on my own without a referral. He wanted me to see him at 8 weeks once I got pregnant and I'm past that, so I need the ball rolling.
Work today was a total bitch and I'm getting really stressed. My management is making decisions on things that are totally unethical and that I disagree with. I need to keep reminding myself that I should not worry about work. It's hard for me to detach myself, though. I need to for the baby's sake. Work is not everything and even if I disagree with something strongly, I shouldn't say a damn thing or get myself stressed out about it.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

DH is sick

Boo...DH is sick - he gets sick quite often. I think he is prone to sinus infections.
I think he got it on the plane while traveling.
I hope he feels better soon and I hope I don't get what he has.
I never get sick from him. Last time I was sick - when I had my m/c in April - I had not got it from him. And he didn't get sick from me either.
We are having a quiet weekend as usual, since I am taking it easy for awhile.
It is so hot outside, it really makes you just want to stay inside anyway.

Friday, June 6, 2008

First u/s

My DH came back early from work travel and got to go with me to the first u/s. I was nervous, but I'm glad he was there with me.
We saw one baby with a strong heartbeat. It was 138 bpm.
I am supposed to be 7 weeks pregnant and the baby was measuring 6 weeks 5 days. My RE was not worried.
I go back in another week before they will release me. I'm hoping the baby keeps growing. Two days is no big deal, but I still worry. My RE thought I should have been 7 weeks 1 day, but there is no way for them to know when I ovulated. Either way, he said unless it is a week difference they don't worry.
I'm kinda worried because my HCG was so high at 6 weeks pregnant and I only have one baby. I asked my RE and he just said it was kinda high, but he said 'well they will tell you with the triple screening'. I didn't like that answer. I really don't mind having a child with downs syndrome as my sister is mentally retarded, but I'm scared my peri won't do the cerclage if anything is wrong with the baby. I need to stop googling. :)
I'm worrying too much - I just need to take it -one step at a time.
I just love this baby so much and as we all do - want a great outcome.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


I was so nauseous on Saturday - most of the day. Sunday and Monday, I was fine and could eat most anything. Hmm...I have a feeling the morning sickness is not gone for good.
Let's see how today goes.
I even ate eggs yesterday for breakfast, something that makes me sick even when I'm not pregnant.
I took a few days off from work, so I'm just taking it really easy. It's really nice not to think about work.
I liked the SATC movie, but I felt some of the characters had forgotten their character a little bit. I thought Miranda wasn't in her role. Monica, I didn't notice the microphone in the movie. But I did notice Carrie's hair went from brown to blonde when she made up with Big. I told my friend in the theater right when I noticed her hair changed back and she said she didn't even notice that. Weird it can go from brown to blonde with black roots instantly even though we never saw her color it blonde again. There was a few months though, so I guess she could have switched back. :)
Hope you have a great Tuesday everyone!