Friday, April 18, 2008

Rough Week

Well, the waiting is the worse. Waiting for the start of the m/c...
It came yesterday-5 weeks 1 day.

Monday, I cried most of the day - I worked from home all day - thank goodness. I felt so bad and called my mom and told her. She didn't provide much comfort. Again, she has never been through it.

Monday night, DH and I got in a fight. We were both just mad that it didn't work out.
I know as women we blame ourselves a lot of times, but men do the same thing. I always think that maybe God doesn't want me to have a child or I'm being punished for something that I did. But I know God wouldn't punish me... DH told me the same thing. Going through a miscarriage - you just want to blame someone or something.

What or who is to blame?
I was thinking maybe it was because I went to acupuncture before my first u/s. One thing the nurse kinda freaked out when I told her that I had gone. My beta was high the day before and then didn't doube the day after. I had no idea, but I'm 100% it had nothing to do with that. I just asked my friend who goes to the same place as me and she went several times before her first u/s and she said the RE was happy that she was going - we have the same RE. I wanted to blame that I was sick - maybe that hurt things. Maybe my slight fever killed the babies.
I honestly don't think it was that either. I think it is just one of those things in life.

Tuesday, my acupuncturist told me to come in that they could try to save the baby since I hadn't started bleeding yet. I went, but didn't have much hope.

To top it off, I got a speeding ticket on Wednesday. Ugh! I hadn't gotten one in SOOOOO long. I ever warned DH recently that the police hide in a certain spot near our house. Of course, I didn't take my own advice.

Yesterday, I went in for a beta. Hate doing that especially when you know the news is going to be horrible and you have to wake up at 630am. I get to repeat that again next Thursday. Joy. My beta was down to 17. I figured as much when I started bleeding in the morning.

I have to wait one cycle and when I get my next AF, I can start BCPs again for IVF #2. Looks like I'll be doing a transfer in July - if all goes smoothly. IVF takes SOOOO long. I really wanted a 2008 baby, but now that won't happen. I would have been due the week before Christmas. :(

I think DH and I are going to take a mini vacation. My work is a pain right now and I'm not sure I can go anywhere until June. DH wants to go sooner. I really want a nice relaxing break. I want to enjoy life a tiny bit. I haven't been able to do that for awhile. Last year for example, was the first year that I didn't go swimming in the lake over summer. In Texas, that is just a sad thing to miss. No tubing down the river....I missed out because I didn't want to mess up things while going through IVF and then I got pg at the end of summer.

DH talked about taking a break from IVF, but he doesn't understand how long the process is. I told him we would be transferring in July by my estimates, if we start on the next cycle. He was surprised. Men just don't understand sometimes unless you explain it to them.


Monica H said...

I understand wanting to blame someone or something, because you're looking for a reason why this happened. I'm sorry that it did and I'm sorry that your dream of having a 2008 baby has come to an end.

Hang in there and pleaselet me know if there's anything I can do.

samill said...

Hi there,

I'm new to your blog but saw your messages over on the msn board.

I'm so, so sorry the cycle didn't work out. What a massive disappointment it must be.