Saturday, August 1, 2009

DH mentions our 'first'

I've mentioned before that my DH doesn't like talking about the baby that we lost. But every once in awhile he will bring him up...

He told me he hates, hates, hates when people ask 'is this your first?' or 'when are you having your 2nd?' He hates these not for the reason I do though...

He told me last night on our way home from a party that he hates when people ask this because he wants to answer in the following...(but doesn't)
1) No, it isn't our first, but our first baby is dead.
2) This baby is our only living baby.
3) This is our SECOND baby.

I hadn't thought of that and it made me sad. I usually don't like people asking this because it is nosey. I hate this because of infertility as well. As someone who went through (will always deal with) infertility, it makes me sad that people can actually 'plan' their lives. That's right, some of us cannot just plan to have a baby and have it happen.

We were looking for a house and this sales guy asks me about 2 months ago 'are you guys just starting your family?'. I answered quickly, 'no we are starting and finishing our family.' It surprised him since I think he thought we were really young and we are not. I guess I am just rude. :)

I think I've said this before on here but my DH mentioned our 'first' another time about 3 months ago. He told me how he was talking to our friend and said 'there is nothing worse than losing a son (child)'. DH told his friend our 'first' son's name. Our friend knew about our loss, but didn't know the baby's name or that it was a boy. We are pretty private in that way. It was bittersweet that my DH talks to his friends about our 'first' son. It made me smile to know that DH thinks about the baby often. I'm sure other DHs or significant others are the same way about the loss of their baby(babies). They may not want to talk about it as much as we do, but they do it on their terms.

We will eventually tell our son about his brother, but not for a very, very long time.

I'm open with some people about our loss, but I haven't talked about it in awhile. I told my neighbor in December and we have become pretty good friends now. She told me that her mom lost twins when she was little, but she didn't know about it until she was 21. She says 'can you believe she waited that long to tell me?'. She knows her mom was about halfway through her pregnancy. I met her mom last weekend and I looked at her and knew her secret. She is a sweet lady, but I know the pain isn't something you can tell just by looking at someone. My neighbor complains that she is an only child all the time. I wonder if my son will complain to me that he is an only child. I wonder if this will make me sad because he isn't the only one.


Monica H said...

"some of us cannot just plan to have a baby and have it happen". I know. I'm there and it sucks.

Everyone is different about being the only child. My husband is the only child and the only grandchild on his dad's side. Of course he loves it because he's spoiled rotten :-) but also because he never had to compete for attention. He never felt like he was loved any less because of another sibling.

When he was a child though he did want brothers or sisters because he was lonely, but his parents also had him late in life so there weren't any other kids around. I think M will be just fine being the "only child" as long as he knows about his older brother.

Brittany said...

I am new to having my own blog and i just stumbled on to yours. I just read about your husband mentioning your first. I havent gone through anything close to what you have, but my mom did have a still born little boy at full term. He is very much a part of our family and we talk about him often. We celebrate his birthday every year, and HE even sends US presents. I very much consider my mom as someone who had 4 babies, even though its looks as though she only had 3. This is what worked for our family, and it isnt for everyone. But maybe it could help....