Men are from Mars

So a few days ago, my DH said he didn't want to talk about our son as much. It makes me sad, but I love my husband. Men are just so different than women. He told me that he thinks he needs to be the stronger one between the two of us but he thinks when I talk about it -it helps me. When he talks about it - he is sad. We'll I'm sad too. Women are just more open with their feelings. :)

I decided not to talk to him much about the baby over the last few days. He doesn't like me on the online forums, but really the women on there are the only ones I can talk to.

I posted yesterday on the online forum (IC) asking if women with only children in heaven are considered moms. I asked my DH the other day if he considers himself a dad. He didn't know what to say. I do consider myself a mom as I have a son that is buried that I visit in the cemetary. I think most of my friends would not consider me a mom. Society is very sad. Most don't know that we buried our son, they probably consider m/c's not real babies. Again, I don't feel that way, but I'm sure that is how most people in our society look at it. Anyway, this topic should be its own topic and a slight tangent.... :)

So yesterday, my DH told me he wanted to release a balloon that I had given him for Valentine's Day, that said 'Love'. I just looked at him very surprised. He then said we could release it for Tyler. I'm not sure if that was his intent at first. I just said ok and we walked outside - I was in my pajamas as I work from home and most of yesterday I was at home.
We walked out into the backyard and released it and it started taking off. It was really windy here yesterday. We ran to the front yard to see where it went - we felt it probably got stuck on a tree. It was. It was stuck in our neighboors tree. I told DH to keep watching it that it would unstick itself. Sure enough, if did right then. Normally, it probably would be stuck there for days, but like I said - it was windy yesterday. It took off really fast and at first we couldn't see where it went. Then, we saw it and it was up in the sky very high. We watched it for several minutes until we couldn't see it anymore. It was a nice gesture. :)

Happy Hour and Stuff

I went to happy hour for work on Thursday. A girl just met me and she asked me if I was 'ever going to get married or have kids'. Her tone annoyed me. She wasn't trying to be rude, but she was mentally not stable.
I guess she didn't notice my wedding ring-duh! So, I told her 'Yes, I am married - 3 years now'. She thought I was much younger than her and we turned out to be the same age.
Then she asked again about kids and I told her 'I just lost my baby'. It is in my nature to be blunt - I can't help it. :) I'm sure the birth control pills don't help. LOL! Anyway, she was so shocked at the way I said that. She just said 'oh F*ck, sorry'. She is vulgar in addition to mentally unstable. You would think that would shut her up, but no, she kept asking questions about when it happened and if I was ok. I hate using my son to shut people up but if people are so inconsiderate to ask about my fertility status, I feel I must respond something very mean.
People can be really rude with the questions that they ask. She went on to tell me about her son and how she was so upset when she found out she was pg. Ok, like I really care about that. I think I have a face where people open up to me but I really don't care to be a psychiatrist to other people's problems.
I've met people before who give me that 'you aren't getting any younger'. Of course, this was before my m/c. Or people who say that because I work that I have put having children off. Yes, I have a career and I like what I do *most* days, but we have been trying since one year after getting married. Why do people think they can ask about such personal questions?
If you don't know if someone is going through infertility, assume that they are if they are married and don't have children. You never know who is going through IF. People just don't know what to say.

HSG Complete

I'm on birth control pills right now and they drive me up the wall. I think I cry everyday and I'm sure it is because of those pills. I'm overly dramatic when I'm on BCPs.
I was balling to DH last night and we were going to go to a special dinner out. We weren't arguing though. We still went, but I'm sure I didn't help jumpstart the nice evening. :( We went to the Melting Pot, we have been wanting to go for awhile. We had a nice time. It was kinda our anniversary night out (for January) and our Valentine's night out too.

I went to acupuncture this morning and then to my HSG. It just happened they were timed right after each other. I think I was stressing that I wouldn't be done with my acupuncture in time to get to my HSG appt. I'm sure that counters the relaxation benefit of acupunture but I finally just let it go - didn't have my watch in front of me and decided I was probably ok.

Acupuncturist looked at my cycle and decided my temps were mainly good, but before I ovulate she would like to see lower temps and temps closer in proximity to each other. I started out that way and then went up and down a lot before O.

HSG went well. This time I took a naproxen beforehand. Last time I did not. It wasn't too painful, just some cramping during the procedure. Finding the cervix is usually the hardest thing on me, but the radio tech did well.
I don't even think I am spotting this time.
My tubes looked OK, although she said one was spasing out. I'm not sure what that means exactly. I think it took awhile for the ink to come out.
I was concerned in looking at my uterus as I saw some shadows on it - like I had last time. I am hoping and praying that I don't have to do a laproscopy. I don't want to go through surgery again and I definitely don't want to do a hyserscopy with it like last time as I think they dilate the cervix for that and I want my cervix left alone for awhile.
I really, really hope that I don't have to get that done. I'm hoping I can move on with my FET. I can't imagine that new endo or polyps grew in the few months since I last had my lap. Ugh!
I hope for good news in the next few days from the RE.

HSG Fun

I get to do an HSG tomorrow - will be my 2nd one in a year. My RE wants to do one on me because of the miscarriage.
It is an xray that shows the uterus and injects dye into your tubes. 2nd part is probably not an issue as we are doing IVF, but last time I had this - they found some shadows on my uterus and then I had to have a laproscopy to remove polyps and stage 1 endo.
I am thinking this won't be the case and all will be well in there - or hoping. :)
I'm not looking forward to it as they are not that pleasant.
I hope that everything came out as it should during my loss - I didn't have a D&C though.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that between when I had this last (around end of May/June last year) I haven't grown any polyps or endometriosis. If I have, my FET cycle may be delayed. :(
My RE wants to make sure the environment is perfect for implantation.

I'm trying Acupuncture!

Yeah I decided yesterday to try acupuncture. It is a big decision since it is expensive in addition to fertility treatments.

I think I am going to try it for awhile, but not forever. The reason that I decided to try it is not really because I've read some positive stuff recently about IVF and acupuncture (but that helps) -it is because since my miscarriage I have developed some anxiety issues. I don't like taking any kind of medicine, so I would rather address those issues via natural means. I am hoping acupuncture will help my stress and anxiety (and if it helps with IVF, great!).
A friend put this in my head because she said they do 'miscarriage prevention'. I am going to the same place that she goes to. She thinks it helped her she just went through her first IVF. She just told me yesterday via email that her DH's sperm DID NOT improve due to acupunture, but he had some other issues which were resolved (not related to fertility). So for now, we won't have my DH go, so we can save money. Although I would like him to go for other ailments (also not related to fertility)...

I decided yesterday and made an appt for today. At first they didn't have many openings, but then when I told them I'm doing FET at the end of this month - possibly - they decided to get me in quickly. I'm just getting back from my appt. over lunch.

I'm going to try to write down most of what she said - it was a quick first consult.
I asked her about incompetent cervix and she just said if my drs. were recommending the stitch, etc. She knew all of my drs or at least their names. She said my peri was good - hmm how does she know that? She said obviously acupuncture can't help that issue specifically. I kinda knew that, but was curious. She did say they help all kinds of miscarriage issues especially related to temperature, progesterone and blood disorders. She mentioned something about people with recurrent pregnancy loss usually don't have temps in the 98s after ovulation. She told me that someone she is seeing just lost her baby like me, but at 22 weeks. I asked her about being seen once pg and she said yes they like to see people weekly until 12 weeks. She says it relaxes people especially those people who have been through loss before and need help to get through the first trimester. Interesting...

She said to try to eat cooked foods (even fruit). She said I could do one raw fruit a day, but fruit raises your glucose which hurts progesterone building or lining - can't remember.
She took my pulse, but didn't say much. She looked at my tongue and asked me if I ate dairy - of course! She told me to try to avoid dairy and refined sugars. (to eat whole grain stuff, etc). She said by looking at the tongue they can tell what my intenstines look like (!!!). I told her I drink milk and eat cheese. She said to limit my dairy. She asked me a few questions but then went into putting the needles in me. The needles weren't that bad, I could feel them a little. After she took out the needles, I had more questions.

I asked her if I was cold or hot (geez, she wan'ts forthcoming, I had to ask her?). She said I was cold and I should eat warm foods. I asked her what that meant (hey, i'm new to this stuff - help me out). She said cooked stuff, curries, and spicy food. I told her that I've always been told by my DH that I always felt hot. She said depending - sometimes people are cold and sometimes they are hot. She said my tongue was pale and that's how she could tell that I was cold. I told her that I had just eaten lunch. She said it makes no difference. I do feel colder since being pg, than before getting pg.

They want you to relax and fall asleep when the needles are in you - I was not really able to fall asleep, but I was very relaxed. It was a weird sensation as I felt some energy moving inside my body. It is hard to explain.

She said they normally put many needles in the abdomen, but would skip that on the first visit as some people freak out about that. She put a needle in my right hand, right thigh (which bled afterwards), left leg, right ear, one near the nose and one on the forehead I think. It was hard to see where she was putting them, as you can't feel much. It is really funny that they put the needles through your clothes - I never knew that.

She said they could look at my chart and tell things too. I just started charting this month, so maybe I will bring that in next time.

She said they will see me twice a week until transfer then the morning of the transfer and then post transfer.

I still feel pretty relaxed.

This cycle is a bust

I think AF is on her way. :(
We didn't put much hope in this cycle as we have tried for so long with no chance of success except for IVF. I was hoping my DH's numbers had improved enough to get me pregnant.
Looks like we are moving onto FET starting when I get AF in the next few days. FET is so much easier on the body. I overstimulated on my first cycle of IVF, so I'm looking forward to not have to go through all the shots and monitoring appts. I still will have to do the PIO shots close to the time of transfer. My DH hates those shots, but he got really good at giving them.
I'm so scared that the FET won't work and I'm so scared that it will work and it will be twins. We will transfer two embryos if both of them thaw. I know God will not give us what we can't handle. I'm just scared with twins and my possibly weak cervix. I would love it if it worked with the cerclage. I'm also very small and twins would be challenging for me anyway. I know that the chances for having twins with FET are lower too. We are just praying for at least one to stick.
I'm going to take one step at a time. If FET doesn't work, we will do another fresh cycle of IVF. If that doesn't work, we will see - maybe another IVF or onto adoption.

Happy New Year-Year of the Rat!

Hi!!!

Happy New Year Everyone!! Today starts the year of the Rat. I hope this brings good news for my DH and me. If I had my son in May, I guess he would be a Rat just like me. I hope that means I will have another child this year or get pregnant this year at least.

I think next year is the Year of the Ox. My DH is an Ox. So hopefully it means that this year or next year have to be good for us. Here is to keeping up the confidence! :)

Good luck to everyone else! I chose this picture because I love Disney and I think it is so cute that they celebrated the new year in Hong Kong Disneyland today.

I haven't been online much or posting as we have been doing some remodeling all week. We had some contractors come in and do the following to our house:

New tile floor in guest bathroom, new tile in master shower, new tile floor in master bathroom, tile replaced downstairs in kitchen, entry and bathroom downstairs, new counter tops, new backsplash in the kitchen.

The bulk of the work should be done today, but we still have some stuff to do. (Buy a vanity for the master bathroom, get the plumber to come back and install our shower head, and dust). There is so much dust on everything. Things are looking great! We kept our cabinets, but the kitchen looks like a different kitchen. I think I will be cooking more now. I'm so happy how things have turned out. We had hoped to get this done while I was pg, but now I'm glad it is out of the way. It was challenging with our 2 dogs -not letting them walk on the tile, etc. Our house is older and needed some updating inside.

My First BFP on 9/11 - IVF #1

I'm posting this on here because I want to remember symptoms, etc, that I had with IVF #1.
We hope to go through FET next month or late this month. I'm going to put my story of IVF success and then I'll post my story of when I lost our baby. I started my blog after both of these events, so I just want to remember exactly what happened.

9/11/2007 - I’m 34 will be 35 in November. DH is 34..We have been trying to conceive for 1 year 8 months.We went 1 year just trying on our own, then this past January started getting tests done. SA came back about 12 million.We did 2 IUIs in February/March with my obgyn. I was not monitored and I was on clomid only. According to our nurse practioner who did the IUIs, our count was lower than 12 million and she said we might have to go straight to IVF. 2 Failed IUIs later, we were referred to a RE in May. June SA was 14 million, very low after wash. .I had all the tests done and my FSH was good. I did a Prolactin test. Came back ok, but my RE noticed that I had discharge from my bb, so he put me on Bromocryptine. I did an HSG and no blocked tubes – dr wasn’t there but tech said the tubes looked good. Right after that my RE told me that he saw some shadows on my HSG xrays so he wanted to do a lap to take out any fibroids or polyps. June 22nd had lap and they removed some polyps and some Stage 1 endo.
July 19th we began BCP for our first IVF. Did 8 days of stims with Gonal-F (very low dose towards the end – coasted one day). We had 30 eggs retrieved on 8/28. 21 were mature enough for ICSI. 18 fertilized. We did a 5 day transfer on 9/2 of two early, early blasts (our appt. was earlier than they usually do them). I ate some pineapple on day before ET, on day of ET and 2 days after. I didn’t eat that much but did eat the core. I was on Estradiol and PIO. I had some symptoms but they could be attributed to estradiol/pio or HCG trigger.
Symptoms: Vivid dreams, gas, some cramps, cramping very low especially when lying down, dry skin on chest, some blue veins on my legs, had some leg cramps. Stomach growling a lot but not very hungry to eat. DH noticed slightly bigger bbs. Pimples 1 week before expected AF – I usually get pimples closer to AF. Went from oily skin to dry skin in one day.
ER day was tiring - rested when I came home. I did not feel nauseous from the anethesia as it was very light. I called in sick this day from work.
ET day was pretty easy. I took a doxy with bkfst before going to the hospital. Then I was given a valium when I got there - it is supposed to relax the uterus and keep it from contracting. Wheeled into OR and got on table and put feet in stirrups. Embroylogist came in to say hi and wait for RE. When RE came in, embryologist went to get the embryos. They flashed our last name on the screen to make sure they had the right embryos. Then they put in both and went back to the lab to look in the microscope to see if any where still in the catheder. I went back to my room - they transferred me to my bed by lifting me with a sheet so I wouldn't move. I fell asleep in my room for about 30 minutes due to the valium. Embroylogist came in to give me pictures before I snoozed. I rested in the room for 1 hour total and then was put in a wheelchair to our car. I rested the whole afternoon in bed and only got up to go to the bathroom. DH brought me food. I did not get on the computer at all. Next day, I did get on my computer but in bed and did go downstairs to eat lunch. I took it easy for the whole rest of the 2 weeks - 9 days after transfer I got my positive beta on 9/11. I actually took a HPT at 7dp5dt and it was a faint line. Took another one the next day and it was about the same - slightly darker.
Beta:
9dp5dt - 4 weeks - 259 (started progesterone suppositories, off of PIO)
11dp5dt - 4 weeks 2 days - 626, 152.9 progesterone, and 2185 e2 (stopped estradiol and went to once daily prog. supp.)
18dp5dt - 5 weeks 2 days 5304, 215.2 progesterone, 3178 e2
25dp5dt - 6 weeks 2 days 20,046, 231.7 progesterone, 3762 e2