Saturday, December 13, 2008

When do you write off friends?

Ok, I hope this post doesn't come across selfish sounding...I can probably blame hormones on this one. :)
It is very minor compared to other people's problems.

One of my friends emailed me the day before my shower to say she was working on Saturday and would *try* to come to my shower. This is after she RSVP'd for 4 people (her 2 kids and her mom). For the record, no one else brought their kids (or their moms and some people's moms I am actually close with). I have friends who just had babies in March, April and even last month and none of them brought their babies. I was kinda relieved - not because I wouldn't have wanted to see them, but because I'm sure people would expect me to hold their baby and I can't lift anything. Most don't understand about being on bedrest and I don't want to sound rude about not being able to hold their baby.

So when I got this email, I counted her out as not coming because I know her very well. I knew she wouldn't make it. I was kinda hurt, but honestly I assumed from the start that she wasn't able to come. I actually had to RSVP for her, since she was too busy to call my sister. She also asked me for directions to the shower and 1) i'm not hosting it and 2) that's just rude. I emailed her and said that the invite said how to get directions - said to call someone for directions (I mean don't people also know how to use It's funny how people don't read invites.

Well, she called me the day after the shower - and I didn't answer my phone. She didn't leave a message, but sent an email saying how she really wanted to make it, but her daughter had a fever. But she wanted me to send her pictures...ok whatever.

To add more background to this person, she didn't show up to my wedding either. She had the same excuse - that she had to work. I mean I understand people work on saturdays, but I'm not 100% believing it with her. She RSVP'd for my wedding for her and her daughter and never showed. I mean a call the day before would have been cool...I could have invited other people.

Oh, I think most who read will find this pretty interesting (as the rest was a bore)... :) She never told me that she was pregnant. Yeah...Well, she found out that she was pregnant around the time I had my loss. But I've never told any of my friends 'please don't tell me news'. I don't think I make people walk on eggshells around me. Well, the only reason I found out she just had a baby - was I emailed her and never heard back from her. I was worried and asked her sister who didn't tell me either. Then she emails me that she just had a baby in August. So she didn't tell me for her whole pregnancy...I guess I can't find fault with that, since I've kept my pregnancy under wraps (but not from good friends - mainly coworkers).

Oh, and when I told her that I was pregnant and that we were having a boy (she has 2 girls), she doubted that I was. At first, I didn't tell her. Actually I didn't tell her but she found out when she got the baby shower invite. She said 'are you sure? you should keep asking them at your u/s because I do that.' I said 'well they told me twice, but i'll ask again'. :)

I really want to write her off, but I probably won't. Honestly, I wanted to write off a few people who I invited to my wedding and never showed. I know things come up (sick kids, etc), but some people are just rude. I guess I would rather someone tell me from the start that they can't attend.

No offense, to fertiles who may read this blog, but I think fertiles make excuses not to attend showers just as much as those dealing with infertility. So those of us who have been through a loss, don't feel bad about not attending showers. At least you have a better excuse than most...
On a different note, I've talked on here about how my mom's friends try to give me gifts and suck up to me. Some are my age and I think they want to be my friends. I kinda have a chip on my shoulder about these people. I can't even go into what they have tried to do in the past - it's a mess. (including getting their children to call my p.arents -gma and gpa).(!!!!!) I think I am good judge of character and I don't like most of my mom's friends. I've also posted why on this blog before, but I'll post it again. My mom knows a c.elebrity and her friends are just there to meet this person. It is SO SO SO obvious - they are not genuine people. I kinda find it uncomfortable when my parents have friends who are the same age as me, but I know that happens a lot. My FIL has neighbors who he is friends with who are younger than me and DH. We both find it odd. I guess we don't mind so much as long as those people don't try to befriend us.

Last year, some of her friends tried to get me Christmas presents and some said they wanted to come to my shower (this was before my loss last year). Some have said they will b.ake a - not for my shower but for other family events - of course they will because then they get invited to the event. This c.elebrity would most likely be there and they know that. They tell my mom 'we just are doing it out of the goodness of our heart'. Well, I declined all gifts that my mom was trying to give me from them last year. I think this surprised her friends as they don't understand why I would try to decline them. Well, this battle has been going on for awhile and I'm so tired of it. So for this shower, none of them got invited - I would have flipped out if they showed up. I think my mom understands a little how I feel and she didn't want to upset me (to cause any preterm labor, etc). BUT one of her friends did get me a gift for the shower...I decided instead of fighting the battle just to accept the gift and not say anything. I feel bad that I sold out, but I'm honestly tired of fighting this battle. Around my loss last year, I was dealing with these people and I really don't want to get myself upset about the whole situation. I know I won't be friends with this person. I sent her a thank you card and I hope I never have to see her again. I'm so proud of myself that this hasn't bothered me that much - of course it irritates me or I wouldn't write about it on this blog. But I'm not upset as much as I have been in the past... :)


Monica H said...

I have written off friends before but it was for hurtful things- like abandoning me after Sam died. She didn't have the courage to be a friend to me. And I have other friends that are flaky (as your friend seems to be) that I haven't written off, but that I don't speak to as often. These are the friends on your list that you send Christmas cards too and you talk to them a couple times a year, but you don't rely on them for anything. It seems to me that her life is just far too important and busy to include you. I don't think it makes her a bad person, but you are apparently not her priority. The same friend that I wrote off flaked out at my wedding too. Not all people we meet are cut out to be friends. And some even though they kinda try, aren't responsible or courteous (not showing up to RSVP'd events or telling you they're pregnant). What I'm getting at is these people fall into the "flaky" category of friends and they end up staying there for life. If that's where she chooses to reside, then leave her there and don't exert any excess energy on her, but send her a Chrsitmas card from time to time to let her know that you are the "friend" in this relationship.
* * * *

Maybe becaus she got you a gift even though she was invited means that she wasn't just trying to look good in front of your mom's friend. Sometime's people just want to do a nice thing for someone. Of course i don't know this person, but it seems that because you already don't like her that you're not giving her a chance. You don't have to like her, but don't like her even less because she got you a gift. Just be thankful.

And I'm not saying you're being ungrateful and I don't want to upset you with my opinion, but just let it go. If your Mom knows how you feel and she still chooses to be friends with them, then let it be. You don't have to like them. I don't like all my Mom's friends, but then again I'm not in the same situation as you. It just seems to, as annoyed as you are, that they aren't worth your time. You don't need to fret over them.

JGirl2005 said...

Thanks, Monica! You are right about friends being flaky! I won't write her off, but I will talk to her about once a year as I do now. She acts like she is my best friend saying 'can I bring you anything from the city where I live?'. (the city where I grew up) She has no intention of going out of her way to do anything or help out when needed. I have been friends with her for 18 years or so, so I should deal with her (i guess).
I should have also said that she never had a wedding, so I sometimes think that's why she flaked at my wedding. Her significant other is still married to someone else (I think) or he was when he got her pregnant at least the first time. I hope he isn't married now, but I know he has a lot of children with his wife (maybe exwife) and 2 with my friend. He is not a very good person.

My mom's friend was NOT invited to the shower, but wanted to get me a gift anyway. Weird, I think. I met her one time briefly. Yeah, strangely it didn't bother me as much as usual - I just took the gift and only said 'that's nice of her' to my mom. Actually I think I might throw away part of her gift because I just opened it up and it seems either used or regifted. I think it was used before. It's the thought that counts though.

This friend of my mom's is actually one I don't have a huge problem with. She helps out my parents by feeding their dog - a lot. She is not one that tried to give me a Christmas present last year either.

Monica, thanks for listening! And no you didn't upset me...

JGirl2005 said...

Monica, I wanted to say I'm sorry you had to write a friend off, but you are better off without her it sounds. If she flaked at your wedding and wasn't supporting you after your son died.
It's hard to write people off, but sometimes it is for the best.