A year ago...

A year ago yesterday, I got a postive on an ovulation predicator kit, but was assuming I was pregnant because I knew I wasn't ovulating. I found out the following day with a postive pregnancy test and the day after that with a positive beta. This was the month after an early miscarriage from FET#1 and right before starting birth control pills for IVF#2.

The very weird thing is that my mom called me yesterday to tell me that it was my child's saint day (by his name). My aunt had gone to church and heard this and called my mom. So without knowing any of this, I picked a name for my child that has a saint day on the day I found out I was pregnant. I'm not a very religious person, but I think that is very strange!

This year has been very hard (even on my marriage), but I'm very thankful for my blessing. My DH had to do SO MUCH when I was pregnant and on bedrest and I think he still feels like he does a lot because I don't have a lot of time. If I stayed home, I'm sure I could do more, but I do work full time. I like working though - although I miss my child. It's so hard to leave him in daycare, but I trust the people. I look at pictures of my child throughout the day - to get me through the day. I think my DH doesn't want another child because it has been so tough. We both agree we wouldn't do IVF again (we didn't do it for our child). I hated myself on IVF meds, but that is a different topic.

A friend of mine says if she ever gets a tattoo, it would say 'be grateful'(or be thankful - i forget). Sometimes I think of that and even before I had a child, I was thankful for having a good husband. When I see people who are less fortunate than me, I have to think that things are fairly good. Life is hard.

March for Babies

Today I did the march for babies in my city for the march of dimes. This is the first time I have done this event and it made me sad to see the many people wearing signs of lossed little ones. It made me think of my little boy, T. My company is a sponsor of the event. I did see more babies who made it though - even a 4 yo with a shirt that said 25weeker - 1lb something. Wow. I saw a couple who one or both work at my company that had a sign of a little one that survived a few days or weeks. I saw the heartbreak in their eyes as they didn't seem to have another child.

I think I will do this walk next year too. It was great - I was able to walk really fast and run a little - although you aren't supposed to run at all in it due to the number of strollers, etc. I only did it when there was open spaces. I'm still trying to lose baby weight. I met a girl who had a baby six wks early and her baby although only 4wks younger than my baby - is 6lbs lighter - she is so tiny.

There has been more heartbreak on the forums. Two girls in the last month have lost twins. One of the girls - it was her 2nd -2nd tri loss. My heart goes out to them and their families. I hope they can find hope to continue on. One had done many IVFs to get to that point. If I mentioned this before, I apologize. I hate that anyone has to lose a baby.

Happy Mother's Day to the moms (earth children and angel children) and moms-to-be! I promise to post more. Yeah, I know I have said that before. :) I hope those struggling with infertility and loss are able to get through mother's days - I know a lot of girls on the IC forum have talked about how hard that day is - and some are even pregnant. Being pregnant doesn't help the pain of the loss little ones...

Back to work and other thoughts...

We had a great easter. It was nice that my family decided to keep their gathering mainly family only - instead of all of my mom's friends who I don't like. :)
It was so nice to spend time with everyone. No drama with BIL because he didn't meet my FIL's lady friend. FIL did talk about her and I thought BIL was going to blow a gasket, but he was fine. He was happy we cooked for him -his favorite, beef fajitas.

Oh, and I posted awhile back on the n.est boards how my sister had not come to visit me since I had the baby. She did send flowers to the hospital, but hadn't seen the baby in person. Well, she made a huge effort - for her- driving to my city on Saturday. She never drives alone without her entourage. She even knitted booties for our baby the day she came- very quickly (faster than I can crochet). We also got to spend time with her on Easter as she changed her plans to spend more time with all the family. It was so nice. When I posted this at 2months, that she had not visited someone on the msg boards stated that maybe she was dealing w/infertility (as that would be the only acceptable excuse for not seeing her nephew -as the poster put it). Well, I know she wants children badly, but I asked her and she said she isn't trying until next year or the following year (she is 34 now). She will go directly to IVF even without problems since she is rich and can - doesn't need insurance and because she and her DH travel all the time-not together but for their work. They can't really TIME pregnancy. I think she does have some reproductive issues though.

I'm back to work as of yesterday and it is hard getting back into the swing of things.

Happy Easter!

Thanks for the comments - glad to be back ladies! I will be posting more. I have a lot to talk about.

I hope everyone has a Happy Easter. What are the plans? My brother in law in town this weekend. He is very odd and he is going to be 40 this year and not married. He resents people who are married. Nothing wrong with not being married and 40, but he really is sad about it. I feel bad for him and wish he would meet someone. I think he has really high expectations for a girl and that is a little unrealistic. He even resents his dad who is dating again after his mom passed away 2 yrs ago. I think it is great his dad is out there dating as he is very lonely. We can't spent 100% of our weekends with my fatherinlaw. It's almost like his son is jealous that his dad can go out on dates, but he can't find a date. It will be interesting if his dad introduces him to his new lady friend this weekend. I see a possible blow-out occuring. It is not uncommon for them to fight. My BIL will probably not be too happy with her (she is very nice I met her 2wks ago). My brother in law is not very generous - he expects his dad or us to pay for him ALL THE TIME. He got our son a $3-5 toy when he was born that he can't even play with for months (still too young now). My sisters did SO much for me and the baby and bought us so much -even gave us a ton of handmedowns, but he couldn't spend even $10 for us. Ok, I'll try to be nice now. Please tell me I'm being shallow and selfish.
Oh, and another thing... He HATES eating at home, so he expects us to take him OUT to a restaurant and PAY for him. Oh, he makes really good money, but we think he has money problems. I invited FIL and BIL over to our house for a cookout this weekend. It's really hard to go out to eat with the little one and especially since he goes to bed early. I bet BIL is unhappy that we are staying 'in'. His dad is retired and really can't pay for him at all. They got in a fight about this last time as his dad asked him to pay. Ok, enough venting about him...honestly I love my family and I'm happy to see my BIL. I just hope he doesn't cause drama with the new girlfriend. I wish he would meet someone as I think that would improve his mood - he won't do the online thing though.

We are also going out of town to visit some of my family. It will be the first time many meet our little one. We have some cousins from new jersey who we haven't seen in about a year or more. It will be great to catch up.

I have to admit that I'm not a big 'Easter' fan. It's my least favorite holiday - not sure why. I am weird about eggs - only liked them cooked a certain way. So growing up, I didn't like hard boiled eggs, deviled eggs, etc. I also don't like peeps and don't care for marshmallow too much. I eat it - if camping or on smores, but don't like it in candies. Easter was always so hot where we live so I always felt really yucky. A few easters ago, it did sleet though.

Monica, you are right. Bluebonnets are horrible this year due to lack of rain. That's why I think this company planted a ton in their parking lot - it's a ton of them and GORGEOUS. Bluebonnets are really scarce this year. It's a great location! Take Autumn there! I said amber before sorry. I think your dog is so adorable. Is she a border collie or brittany spaniel mix?

Ariel, you are right. We shouldn't look at it like that. Every m/c is a tragic event. It's hard to think about what would have been. I see girls on the message boards with children who would have been the same age as my first son and it breaks my heart. I think 'wow, he would be this old'. There is that constant reminder when you see someone who got pregnant around the same time as you.

Long time, no chat...

Hey everyone! I'm glad to be posting again. I missed everyone! I have to say it is so hard for me to find time to post or even check in on other people's blogs. My son is a handful. He likes to be in my arms. I will find time - it is getting better.

It's been 1 year that I had my miscarriage after my frozen transfer. Well, a year ago today I got my beta for FET #1. Shortly after that, I had a miscarriage.

I completely forgot about all of this until I went to an acupuncture appt today. She reminded me that it was exactly one year ago that I went in for non-doubling betas. I decided to go to acupuncture today for relaxation and for possible help in my supply of breastmilk. I'm doing daycare trial so I had a few hours without my son. I go to a place that specializes in reproductive health. The acupuncturist did points to help with breastfeeding - we will see if that helps. I really missed going to acupuncture. It is very relaxing. Of course, I had to rush to a dentist appt right afterwards - so my tranquil demeanor wore off.

The acupuncturist was telling me about one of the owners who had the same thing - an early miscarriage and she was pregnant the next month. It really made me wonder if acupuncture really had helped me get pregnant - even though I think our problems were more male factor. She said that the owner was thankful for that miscarriage or she wouldn't have her daughter. It's hard to think about but we wouldn't have our son if we had gone full term with our first baby boy. I really miss our first son and our life will never be the same since we went through that. But we are thankful everyday for the joy our son brings us...

A girl on my message board lost her twins at 24w1d this past weekend. I'm not sure if she had IC or placental abruption, but I'm so sad for her loss. My thoughts are with her and her family. She went through many IVFs before she got pregnant with these twins.

For those in A.ustin, we found a great place for bluebonnet pictures. It's at J.ester and 2222 (from 360 turn right onto 2222). It's a parking lot where they have planted bluebonnets and indian paintbrushes. We got some great pictures and it doesn't look like you are on the side of the road or in a parking lot.

I hope everyone is well. I'm praying for all my online friends - for sucessful pregnancies.

Ok, here is an update. I know I said I wouldn't do updates, but I do plan to still 'talk' on this blog about random things. :)

My son weighs 9lbs9oz. He was born at 7lbs, but quickly lost 9.5% of his weight and was diagnosed as 'failure to thrive'. I've been stressed since then and not producing enough milk.

I heart my lactation consultant. I completely advocate getting one. She has come to the house several times since it was hard for me to even get out, but today I went to her office. (I was also paranoid for germs with a young infant - she works out of my pedi's office). Home visits can also get expensive too.

I am starting to produce so much more than before. Yea! I have almost quit breastfeeding so many times. It is stressful and the hardest thing I've ever done - harder than labor even. I've been prescribed Reglan which is for something else but works to increase milk supply - it is working for me she thinks. I'm still not producing everything that he needs and he is growing so fast, but I figure some milk is better than none. The lactation consultant is surprised at how much my son eats and its easy for her to say - 'give him less formula' when he is hungry.

My baby gained 2oz a day in the last 9 days.

First 3 weeks in review

Someone on the nest said that the first 2 weeks are all about survival. This is true.

It's insane, but I'm not complaining.

This is my update.
Lump under my arm has gone down, but I don't even have time to ice it as lactation consultant told me. I barely have time to go to the bathroom. I'm seeing a lactation consultant. She saw first hand that I have the sleepiest baby on the planet. He cries sometimes, but he doesn't alert us that he is hungry, wet, or has a dirty diaper. So it has been hard to wake him up to feed - he falls asleep while feeding.
I am not producing enough milk -my sister says because I'm stressing about it. Lactation consultant said that doesn't matter. I'm having to supplement.
The first week the consultant came by -one day after my pedi visit where he had gained 3 ounces - well he lost one ounce from that time (one day later). So following her visit I was so stressed out for several days - until she came again. She gave me an SNS to give him formula at the same time as breastfeeding. It seems to work well, but I'm getting tired of using it. She came back on Monday and found he has gained A LOT. He was 7lb 1oz.
I stopped using the SNS to supplement on the breast with formula. I'm still breastfeeding and supplementing with formula in a bottle. The SNS has strings and when he was awake he would pull at them. Everyone keeps saying to stick with it. I'm not sure how long I can go this way. I'm exhausted. The lactation lady says that she thinks once he hits 9 lbs he may get more alert. She told me a story of a lady who had 5 kids and none of them were like her last one - which is similar to mine. He wouldn't feed actively. She wanted to pull her hair out - so it isn't just me and it's not completely normal.
At last week's appt, he was 8lbs 1 oz. The next day - with lactation lady - about the same. I'm concerned he isn't getting enough. He is supposed to gain 1/2 oz to 1 oz a day. I'm now on a prescription to increase my milk supply. It hasn't seemed to work yet though. My mom was here last week which helped a lot. She could feed him the bottle while I pumped. I even tried pumping every 2 hrs to increase flow - for almost 18hrs straight. No dice. My family wasn't very available to help me, which also set me in a bad mood these last few weeks. They finally came through, but that is another story.
We got his SSN at 2 wks and it makes me feel like he is a real person now. I also got his insurance card this week.

This is my last blog entry on the baby. This blog isn't really a baby blog, but it is for incompetent cervix. I hope this blog helped someone have some hope that a cerclage can be successful. They count a cerclage as being successful if you can get to 37 wks with it - I think.